Weekend Vlog #1 | All of My Tattoos | Room Tour

Oh How I Have Grown

I don't have many readers of this blog. After so much time I doubt anyone would even stumble upon this. But I'm glad that it is here. I get to look back at these posts and see just how far I have come.

I remember that person who wrote all of those sad and depressing posts ( no wonder I barely had readers lol). It's cool because I know that if I was in your shoes I wouldn't want to read all of that negativity either!

But to know that I got to a place I didn't think that I would be able to is amazing! I am not depressed any more, I'm not sad, I'm not angry. I'm just me! And I am happy with me. I am so proud and amazed at the woman I am developing into.

I have an awesome relationship with a person that makes me love in ways that I didn't think possible. I have those few close and great friends. None of them are really new but still strong! The girl I called my sister from Spelman, the one that wrote me the letter, I haven't spoken to her in over a year...she doesn't pick up my calls or respond to my texts lol fuck it. I probable drove her away with all my baggage from way back when. But she seems happy on social media so good for her. She was a person that I needed at the time and that is all. And I'm pretty much ok with that.

My family has gotten "better". I have 3 sisters that I love and adore and I would protect no matter what. They help keep me on my toes for sure. Same goes for the little girl that I have been mentoring for 3 years now. She is basically another one of my sisters. But I see her more often and watching her grow and change and become her own little person is so surreal.

I'm going back to my original college to finish my degree and I'm super excited!!!

Things are looking up and I can't wait to write more about this great life that I'm still discovering.

It's Been A Long Time

It has been quite a while since I posted anything on here. I honestly don't know where to start because so much has changed with me. I have had quite a few amazing revelations. Then of course there are still certain things that get me down. I honestly feel like it is this house that I live in.

Remember WAY back in my posts from when I was attending Spelman and I stated how moving back home is going to be my down fall. I think even then I knew how my family was; which I why I decided to move all the way to Georgia in the first place. It's really difficult living with parents that never wanted you and on occasion find subtle ways on reminding you about that. Then also a sibling that couldn't care less about you. So yeah, I still get the panic and anxiety attacks and certain reoccurring thoughts but I have not acted on them and I've made it through. I don't make enough to be on my own right now even though I have two jobs. But that is another story.

One thing that has really helped me get through the time I spent back home is writing and reading. I read anything that would transport me into some fantasy or alternate world. Anything that can captivate my mind within the first two pages I would pretty much read. I write anything from poems, letters, short stories, thoughts, goals, anything.

I think that it is really amazing how much I have grown and learned about myself in the past couple years. I love helping and taking care of other people, so I mentor and tutor 16 hours out of the week (anything to stay out of this house). It is great! Even though I do all that I still don't have many friends out here. Most of the time I am fine with that, I just read or something. I have met many guy friends but in the end their intentions were always something that did not interest me (except for one or two). Plus I always text or video chat with my friends from my original school.

But there is an actual topic I wanted to talk about, It ties in with the title of my blog. I was searching my room for something and found this envelope that was labeled "A Reason to Smile". It contained a letter from a friend of mine from Spelman that I once before considered to be like my older sister. It was the sweetest letter anyone has ever given me. She gave it to me when I was really stressed out when I was struggling to figure out if it would be best for me to stay or to go. She emailed it to me, but I forgot that I printed it out and saved it because I was so afraid that I would lose or delete the email. In the letter she wrote:

"Think about being lost in the woods. You're isolated from all people, all things that may potentially hurt you physically, emotionally, and maybe even spiritually. Being lost implies that one is searching, looking for answers. Luckily, when you know you're lost, there is room to find yourself. Don't be afraid of being lost; embrace it. Don't stay there, but give yourself the time to explore.[...] give yourself time to figure out how the pieces of your life fit together now that they don't quite look the same. Diamonds are birthed from pressure. The most beautiful things, the most beautiful are those that rise from the ashes".

Every time I was down since moving back here I would just keep repeating that last part. Not too long ago it started to get really bad again and it seemed to easy to give up. I wasn't even afraid of where I would go or what would happen to those around me anymore. Weird enough me not being afraid is what made me a little afraid. So I got that tattooed on me. I got "The most beautiful things are those that rise from the ashes". Before that I got a phoenix (it looks better than it sounds and "Still I rise;" above it on my ribs. It was a combination of her quote and of Maya Angelou who passed away. She was my all time favorite writer and greatly inspired me. It is a little reminder that I will keep finding ways to be happy.

Even though I don't talk to this friend anymore she has made a great impact on my life and I am forever thankful. When I am down or stressed or in a dark place I think back to my tattoos. I remember that when I got them I was happy and I had a reason to love and appreciate my being and life. So even if no one else on this planet cares what happens to me, I know that the beautiful, happy, and shiny part of me does care and that is all that ever matters.

Who Doesn't Hate Their Job?

I am doing better guys. I sincerely am. I decided that once the summer semester starts I will go back to counselling. This way I have a little more to look forward to. I am currently in the middle of finals and I am just a tad bit more stressed than usual. I am more concerned with coming out of by anatomy class with a B. Especially since I am taking this crazy class for the second time now. But I just need to finish this research paper first. I don't speak to many of my friends lately, mainly because most of us just have been busy. I actually wanted to fly out to see a few of them, but that's not really possible so hopefully I can figure something out for the summer.

I am currently friends with my ex boyfriend again. I might go into details of that at a later time, but at least now I can look forward to this new found friendship. But I don't think that I want us to be together again.

There is not type of organization to this post. I am just writing to write! So forgive me.

I have a new job as a waitress. Tips are good, I make more money on tips from a few days than I did in an entire week at my other job. Yet it is a lot of work, and extremely tiring. I'm not sure if I can do this for two more years. I think the idea of doing anything for that long is frightening to me. So I try to focus on short term goals.

If everything goes as planned as far as school goes I will be done with this school August 2017. Which is annoying because I could of had my bachelors May 2016. But have to play the hand life gives you. Once I graduate and make money to save up I am moving to Atlanta. I don't even care that most of my friends most likely wont live there anymore. I just really love that city.

I really want to graduate or start the nursing program. At least I can start working where I want to work. So maybe come the start of 2016 I will have a new job somewhere I like. Then can move out in my own apartment or something. I just started but honestly I want a new job. I just can't deal. I miss the days when all I had to worry about was being in college. Man I tell you, if I had a time machine I know EXACTLY where I would go and what I would do. I just really miss being around my friends.

So Strong Yet So Weak

I have been doing better. But for some reason on certain nights I become weaker. I keep crying out in pain because I am fighting, the Lord knows that I am fighting, to stay alive. But I don't think that anyone understands how much pain I am in. I keep thinking about the relief I am going to feel if this was to happen. I don't look both ways when crossing the street. I don't flinch when someone yells out. I don't look over my shoulder when switching lanes. I wait for the bump in the middle of the night to get closer instead of hiding under my blanket.
But this has been going on for a very long time now. So what's the hold up? I think of the idea of being sent to hell for killing myself. I think of my little sisters who have always had an older sister and I don't want them to live without one. I think of the VERY FEW friends that I have that might miss me when I am gone. I think of how much better things will be when I move away. Every single day without fail I think of this amazing life I have with my husband and daughter. I think of the possible excitement that I will miss out on.
But honestly, sometimes I have thoughts about how much my sister and I don't get along. How my father finds every excuse possible to not see me thus not seeing my baby sister. How out of those VERY FEW friends only one is actually my friend and not just a pitty friend. How there is a possibility that there isn't anyone out there capable of loving me. How since people found ways to justify gay relationships and how they aren't going to hell, then maybe people who aren't suppose to be here and decide to remove themselves can make it to Heaven.
I am afraid of myself. Now more than ever I am absolutely terrified of who I am. I am scared that I wont be able to pull myself out of that black hole that I desperately try to stay out of. That the cut will be a little too deep and the rush of blood will be so relaxing that I just want to absorb that calming feeling for a little while.
But I am strong. I know that. I wouldn't do that because for some reason love seems to be my power. Though I don't completely love myself I love those around me way too much to hurt them in such a selfish way. But this fight is hard.

Good Vibes

I know that quite a few of my posts seem depressing. But I don't want people to think that I am always a depressing person. I just tend to write up here when I am having strong emotions. Lately the strongest emotion has been sadness. But this past weekend was amazing. It also gave me new found hope for the future, and more determination than ever to push through and finish school.

This past week was home coming week for my previous school. I really have been missing my friends. The only thing is most of my friends are still at the school, my older sister lives in Oklahoma and a couple of my other friends graduated. Therefore, homecoming would be a perfect way to see them all at once since I can't afford to fly out everywhere.

I hung out with my close friends all weekend. We made so many drinks and went out to parties and what not. Mind you, I haven't seen them since March so I could not stop smiling the whole time. I got to double dutch with an alumna lol, I posted tons of pictures and videos on my social networking accounts...but I guess unless you know who I am you wont be able to see them.

But I'm not going to tell you in great detail everything that happened the entire weekend because that would just take too long. But I will tell you the best and most anticipated part of my weekend. That would be FINALLY seeing my sister. Now it has been 7 whole months since I last scene her ( which is the longest we have been apart since we got close). My plane came in too late for me to see her on Thursday, Friday she was hanging out with her other friends, leaving Saturday.

Saturday was tailgate and there were thousands of people. There were so many people that my phone absolutely sucked and I barely had any service. So I figured that I would bump into her as I walked around with my friends. We are few hours into tailgate and I am drunk; not sloppy drunk but drunk enough. I went to get something to eat and as I walked back to my friends I finally saw her standing there talking to them. I ran over as fast as my little intoxicated legs could and bear hugged her. I was so excited to see her. But I can't completely remember what was said. But I do remember starring at her trying to etch what she looked like into my brain because I really didn't want to forget. But the moment was really brief because she had to run somewhere and I wanted to sit and eat.

I was very content. As it started to get later my friends and I were planning on leaving and going somewhere else. But then I was like, oh snap...I don't remember seeing ****. I was starting to sober up but not fully. So I was telling my friends how I need to find her and they agreed to help look for her really fast. But there were so many people  and before I could take two steps to look for her I started crying (lol). My friends were like, oh shit, this girl doesn't cry in public; we really need to find her.

So we are searching and searching and I start to loose hope. But then I heard someone say "look who it is". Sure enough they found my sister! I don't remember if I ran up to her or not. But all I know is I was hugging her and she was really there. I did not want to let go because this time I was determined to remember this moment. My friends took tons of pictures of this long hug. We talked for a bit, but eventually we had to go our separate ways.

But that was one of my favorite and happiest highlights from this past weekend.

I Need to Let Go

For those of you that always read this blog (but tend not to comment lol) you probably know by now who the three people that were very close to me are. One of them is my ex-boyfriend. Moving back to Connecticut and revisiting my old life I tried to think of how it was that I stayed happy and sane before I moved away. I realized that it was because of my boyfriend at the time. I put so much energy, thought, and love into that relationship that it was easy to forget about all of the bullshit.

We both agreed that when we moved away to college that we would no longer be together and that we would always be friends and always be close with each other. First year of college we would text or call each other every other week because the work load took time away from our free time. October came around and he wanted me to fly up for his homecoming. My mom flew me up but not for that purpose. I was only there for two days and my mom already had me running around talking to my whole family about the amazing Spelman College. I tried so hard to find a way to his school even if it was just to see him but my family wasn't having it. He was very upset which I could understand. But because of his anger he went and had sex with another girl. 

Now, even though I loved him so much, throughout our relationship I did have my reservations with him because he cheated on me a couple times and I did not trust him. It was my idea to break up for school because I knew that if I could not trust him while we were in the same town I would drive myself crazy while we were in different parts of the country. So when he told me that he slept with her out of anger I began to shut him off. We talked a couple times a month. I was so mad that I couldn't even have full conversations with him. I went home for some breaks and I would run into mutual friends. They would tell me to call him, to please call him, because he was a wreck. I was too mad. But I did and he would simply state that he missed me apologize and what not. 

When school was out that summer we hung out quite a few times. We went on dates. We even had sex again. Then school started again and we were back to once a month texting. That winter I found out that I would be transferring back home and to his school nonetheless. I texted him to tell him and there was no reply for a few weeks. Then I got confused about some buildings when I got there and texted him to ask him and their was still no reply. So naturally I got upset and started texting and calling him trying to figure out what was wrong. Finally we got in contact. He said that he has been ignoring me because he just thinks that it is all too much and strange for him. I was upset started crying and he began to feel bad. So he tried to talk to me. He asked about why I changed, how things were and everything. At this point I knew that he recently had a new girlfriend but he is not someone that I want to be in a relationship with. Just to be friends because more than anything he was my friend more than he was my boyfriend. 

I kid you not. Two days went by and he started to ignore me again so I was just like fuck it. Sent him a happy birthday text and he said thanks but I did not receive one a month later. Soon I realized that he blocked me from every social networking site and wouldn't return my calls. So at this point I was really alone and took a trip to GA to see my friends. 

I have not felt hurt like this in a while. It is mainly because I never thought that he, out of all people, would turn his back on me. This is the first time that I understood how easily love could turn into absolute hate. I have cried so many times in 2014 and for so many reasons. But for some reason this has been the most devastating and painful cause. I really am working on improving myself and finding out who I am. This blog has really helped me express all of this. So to my ex-boyfriend, who will remain nameless, I am letting you go. 

Rewriting June 23rd

Before I get into anything, this post is being posted later than I intended. I had to work, do homework, and squeeze in naps. Plus I wanted to make sure I wrote everything that I wanted to. So let's get started.

First I want to start by saying that I have some bad news. But after this everything else is good news, I swear! So remember how I went celibate on May 1st? Well on June 16th that changed. Wait! Let me explain because I promise it will get better. It wasn't by just anyone. It was with the guy that I have been on an on-and-off  "best friends with benefits" thing with for about 6 years. Same guy that got me pregnant a few years ago and that I thought I was head over heals in love with. But at this point I just love him but not enough to move forward. Anyway, I'm not upset about breaking my celibacy because I'm a strong believer in "everything happens for a reason". I needed to feel loved and I needed to be made love to by him. I didn't want casual sex or to just have sex because I couldn't control my hormones. I wanted that slow, face to face, intense stares and smiles, tight embraces type of sex. And that is exactly what I got. I still feel strong and in control because I have said no numerous times before this. Like the guy in the I Almost Slipped post. I said no to him because even though my body was screaming yes, my mind was yelling NO, and my heart was absent. Where as with the guy from the 16th, all three said yes. There was not any hesitation, sadness, or regret. This was not our 1st, 5th, or even 30th time being with each other. It felt right.

Now here is where things changed a little. Mind you, we are both single and have no commitment to each other But while we were talking to each other we talked about so much. Mainly what it would be like if were actually were committed and later on progressed into even more. The funny thing is that he initiated the entire conversation. Now that I do not have extremely strong feelings he wants to try to make it work. But a lot has happened which causes me to back away from committing to him. But that is for another post. So, a couple of days after we were with each other, he was on a social networking site talking about how he is lonely and wishes someone was there with him. A girl comments and they start flirting and end up making plans to for her to go to his house that day. I have known him long enough to know that nothing innocent and harmless results from a girl going to his house. I know we are not together, but it sort of hurt because like I said it has been 6 years and I already have reservations and I do not have time for the games anymore. But I knew a change was going to come.

Like I said I do not regret anything. But I still stand by what I said in my original post on wanting to stay celibate to improve myself. I figured I can't give up because like Aaliyah said, if you fall just dust yourself off and try again (sorry I know that was wack but I was just listening to that song). I really want it to be significant and even more meaningful this time. Then I remembered June 23. It hit me that this was going to be the day that I officially began the change in my life. June 23 2010 was the date that I was raped and the day that changed my life. I figured I don't want this day to always symbolize a tragedy in my life, so why not make it meaning something beautiful? In the past every time this day came around or when I thought of this date I went into complete darkness. Like back in college when my friends thought I was raped but I was just reminded of this day by someone who was pushing up on me. Usually when I start to think about it I quickly change the subject in my mind or find a distraction. When that doesn't work I can not pull my mind away from it until I fall asleep. I start off crying very hard to the point where I have to take my contacts out. My mind goes blank or sometimes I think about how terrible the situation is and become disgusted with myself. Sometimes I my body starts to shake. Like in college on of my friends saw me crying and thought it was a good idea to try to hug me. That small contact made me shake uncontrollably to the point where I think I scared her. Sometimes I notice when people around me are talking or talking to me but it wont process. Then I lay down and try to stay still and alone that way I can try to calm down or sleep. I want this to stop because I do not want this to continue to control my life. So June 23 was the day that someone took away my control, confidence, and sanity and now it is going to mark the day that I took it all back.

Now let me tell you how God blessed me on this day. I woke up very early feeling like I needed something else to change. Remember my friend that I was really close to in college? She was the one that got hurt first semester of last year. I was a terrible friend to her. We made up back in November, but we were still a little distant. I wanted that to change. I wanted to have her close in my life again. So I was up early, before I could even brush my teeth I wrote her everything that was in my heart and I apologized for every thing I've done and did not hold any of my feelings or emotions back. She read it and talked about it. We agreed that it will take a little time but are working to get back to how we use to be. I was so excited and happy to have one of my best friends back. So she is another new event that I can add to this day. Then later on that day I had a job interview. The manager brought me into his office, looked over my resume, and stated that he would love to have me work there. I start in two weeks. I was so high off life that I almost started crying once I walked outside.

These may seem like minor things to you, but they are major to me because for once in four years there was no darkness. June 23 has been written into my life as the day of darkness and sorrow, however June 23, 2014 I rewrote my life.

I Almost Slipped!

So remember how I decided to go celibate a month or so ago? Well that was going well until yesterday. Before I continue, I plan on being very open about this topic so no judgment.
Ok. So one of my friends from back when I was in high school contacted me a week ago wanting to hang out. I've known him for over twelve years. We were always cool, never flirted or anything like that. Yesterday, he comes to pick me up and we plan on hanging out at his friend's house because they were having a small get together. We were casually flirting while we made a few stops before we got to the house. Once we got there we all started drinking and smoking. We were all laughing and goofing around having a great time. Moving forward, me and him were sitting on the porch playing games on my phone and he kept leaning closer and closer. I was very resistant at first but then gave in and kissed him. We were making out and everything was fine. The mosquitos started to come out and we went inside. Some of the other people were changing their clothes because they were going to the club, but I had to work in the morning so I was just waiting to leave. Me and the guy were in one of the rooms waiting watching TV. We started making out again which was nice. The kissing was great, and I am not going to lie I was curious to know what else that mouth could do. So we are making out pretty heavy with the door close. His hands are traveling places, and his fingers started to play with things. And it all felt GREAT. But then he started to pull at my pants and I calmly told him that he needed to wait. So he stopped and we continued to make out. But being under the influence really caused me to crave sex. So I started going a little harder with the making out and grinding. His hands and fingers started to explore again. Before you know it his mouth went down under. At this point I was not going to stop him. But then he started to unzip his pants and I sobered up. I explained how things were going too fast and we need to stop since we were not clear headed at the moment. He agreed after he tried to get me to give him oral sex but that was not going to happen. So once he relaxed, we talked and finally left. Everything was cool. He still texted me this morning and everything is good between us. I do not feel bad about the oral sex. But stopping from actual intercourse was hard, I must admit.
In my mind I just kept thinking of the promise I made to myself, and how much it meant to me. I really want to save myself for the right person this time and not just anyone, no matter how long I have known them. This is like a fresh start for me and he just was not the one.

Turning Nightmares into Dreams

Why do we find ourselves doing the most for people who wouldn't do the same for us? Why do we try to prove ourselves worthy of people who are unworthy? Why do we feign for attention from people who we know could careless? Why are we making fools out of ourselves? What are we looking for in these people?

Well, I think that I know what my answers are. I want someone to love me. I want someone to care and just acknowledge my existence. I never had that. For the past 20 years of my life, people have told me lies, trying to convince me that I was wrong. But at the end of the day they were talking out of their behinds and what they were saying was just a bunch of bull.

My mother was 13 years old when she was pregnant with me. There was not one person in my family who wanted to keep me alive. Now I know that they did not know me and that she was young, but this is where it all began. Some may think, "well your mother clearly didn't go through with it". But her and my father went to planned parenthood, but were scared away by religious protestors. My mother felt like she did not have a choice. I bet that you all are still making excuses for this woman. I did too, until one day when she was yelling at me about something pointless and I actually listened to what she was saying. Then I thought about what she always says when she is taking her anger out at me. Now tell me if a woman who loved her daughter would say the following. Would she remind her of how she could have "killed" me? Would she constantly point out how the younger sibling was the planned one? Would she threaten by saying "I will beat you like a bitch in the street" ( the first time she told me this I was in fourth grade and was taking too long to clean my room) ? And this isn't even half of it. She is nice sometimes. Like when report card time came around and I never had anything lower than a B+ from kindergarten through high school. Or when I was accepting a school award. When I was being filmed for 60 minutes for my internship at Yale University. When I was chosen for National Honor Society. When she needed me to do her homework when she was going for her associates degree. When I was accepted into every single college/university that I applied to, with the exception of Yale. (She talked smack about my intelligence when that letter came in the mail.) Those were the times when she was happy. The only time I remember hugging her was when I was leaving home to go back to Georgia for school after breaks; and I was the one who initiated the hug.

I should not feel weird hugging my mother. I should not expect to be called a bitch and get cursed out every time I hear my name leave her mouth. I should not have been 7 years old, riding the elevator up to our apartment hoping someone can kidnap me before I made it back to my yelling, belt-wielding mother in apartment 312; mad because I did not take out the trash. I should not have thought about all of the things that I have thought about doing to myself just to escape her or this life. But I moved on because I thought that the rest of the people in my family at least had my side. However, I was wrong. My little sister is just like my mother. They look down at me because I do not have money to look as nice as they want me to. I think differently than them and I act differently. They want me when they need help. Then talk about me to the rest of my family and their friends the part of the time. I sit in this house and let them say whatever they want. They complain when I ask them for something, but the moment they need something I jump to it so that maybe they will see that I am a good person and will like me. The other members of my family, except two, can careless about me.

I have worked so hard in school so I could move miles away for college and never look back. But that was taken from me a few months ago. I worked hard again in this current school and replanned my future so I can escape once again. But relying on my mother failed me. She didn't care about me enough and did not pay for my tuition. So in a few short weeks I will be kicked out of school. And now I am lost and not sure where to go from here.

I titled this post "Turning Nightmares into Dreams" for two reasons. The first was sort of to tribute Maya Angelou who is my absolutely favorite author. The title isn't the exact phrase, but it comes from her poem "In and Out of Time". As some of you may know, she died yesterday. When I found out I was dumbfounded. The other reason for this title is that I need to figure out how to turn this nightmare of a life into a dream. For the time being, I think that from this moment on I just need to focus on me. It is time to be selfish until I figure out what I am going to do, and find the money and foundation to leave this family and life behind.

May I be the 1st to Concent

I sort of have an announcement. I think I started to explain it in the post "Formation of the Ashes" (which I promise to continue on right after I finish with finals). Anyway, I decided to become celibate. I thought about it a few times in the past but never thought about actually doing it. I really got motivated to go celibate when my older sister went celibate. I look up to her a  lot and I thought that going celibate was a great thing. Even though she did not last as long as she wanted to I am still proud of her for making it for as long as she did. ( I have to confess I was sort of hurt that she did not make it the whole way. But she is still a strong woman). OK back to me.

So I want to try to last a year at first, and if I make it that far then possibly another year. If I make it to that point then I want to go all the way until I complete finish school including graduate school. I have friends who have yet to have sex and I admire them so much.

Now lets get to why I want to do this. If I could turn back the hands of time to about four years ago then I would so have waited. The first person I had sex with I completely regretted for numerous reasons and I felt completely empty inside after. The guy that I intended to sleep with for the first time was great. He is the close guy friend that I mentioned in the last post. But sex with him was so great that I did not realize how bad we were for each other. Just because the sex is good does not mean you should be with that person. Soon we just began using each other for sex. This got messy because our feelings always got thrown into the mix and there were a lot of other factors involved. Four years later, I realize that I do not ever want to be with him. The problem is that when I had sex with someone that was not him, I did not like it because there was always this intense emotion that was connect to sex with him that I did not have with anyone else. I don't know...I don't really enjoy it. I have gotten to the point where I do not connect emotion to it at all and I just do it for the relief of stress or personal pleasure. However, sometimes I feel like sh*t afterwards.

Another reason is that I want to regain control over my life and develop my own sense of power. I never felt as if I had control over my life and that always bothered me. ( I will talk about this more in a later post).  I feel like that it is kind of changing me for the worst. Lately I have been trying to find myself and I do not need to start changing negatively causing me to become even more lost. I want to have that power and strength and beauty. I see myself as a rare and unique breed that not everyone is deserving of. I use to be so hard on myself when I had sex with someone that was not the main guy (I hope I am not being confusing BTW because I honestly do not know how to refer to him without naming names). Sometimes I would get intense anxiety attacks or cry for hours or just try to block off all thought going on in my head. It's crazy I know, but that is why I am trying to fix it now.

When I do decided to have sex again I want it to be my choice. I want it to be with a guy that understands and that I am in love with. Not someone who's focus is just on one thing.

So, this journey is going to start May 1st! I wanted a date that I could easily remember. Also, I recently had sex with a person from school and I just wanted this to really by my choice. I did not want it to be a sudden impulsive thing. It is an certain date that is planned, that is welcomed, and that I am anticipating.

I will keep you updated (who ever you are that always view this blog). I am not sure how many people actually stop and read this stuff or are just passing through in search of a different blog. But to those who actually read this, I thank you. Like I mentioned before, I do not have many people that I feel secure enough to talk to about this. Or people that would actually care. So when I see an increase in my view count for this blog it really warms my heart. So thank you for not making me feel like I am alone

I Need Help

If there is a future me, I wish that she could come back and tell me what to do. Tell me that everything is going to work out and be ok. That one day I will be happy and one day I wont hurt anymore. She is the only one that can help me. Because right now I cant stop crying. I can't see my future. I don't even know if I care about my future. Right now I just hurt and I feel empty. I have no one. Absolutely no one. I don't know if you know how that feels but it is the worst feeling that I could've ever imagined.

Ok I am taking a few deep breaths because I realize how suicidal this all sounds. I should have woke up for church today.

Ever since 2010 I only had three people in my life that ( I thought ) cared about me. One was a boyfriend, one was my best friend since middle school, and the other was a close friend that I met first year of high school and we messed around a lot. With him we argue a lot and I am over him. He chose other people over me so we aren't even really friends right now. We communicate but we are very distant. He has a girlfriend now, which is cool. I don't ever want him as more than a friend. But currently I have been feeling very alone and all I have wanted was to have him as a friend. but that is not really working. My bestfriend lives in Ohio. We are always busy and we never have time to talk to each other but I still love her. The ex boyfriend...we were cool up until I moved back to this state. We broke up before I went to college because I was going to be so far away. But we still talked when we could as friends. I moved back here in December and went to the school that he went to. The change was very last minute. I told him before I even got here but never got a reply.

That leads into the main reason why I'm feeling like this. I've been trying to communicate with him and he has been ignoring me. We finally talked on the phone he apologized and we caught up a little. The next day he blocked me from everything. I was hurt more than ever. He came to visit the school a week or two ago. I ran into him early in the morning in the café. Literally 3 feet away from each other. I was so hurt, sad, and mad I couldn't speak. I just shook my head and walked away. But lately I've missed his friendship. I deleted his number a while ago. So I mentioned him on twitter saying hey can we talk. He continued tweeting other people and posting tweets. Ignoring me. It jus really really hurt because he was one of m best friends. I have been hurting for a long time and he was always the one to make me feel better and now he is the one hurting me. I tried calling y bestfriend numerous times and she didn't answer. I called my other guy friend that I mentioned but he told me to stop calling bc he is with his girlfriend. and I have no one else. I have no family to talk to. my friend from my other school..i love them but I wouldn't call them for this I am very out of breath and tired and weak and hot and I do not know what else to do. I honestly think that I am going to have another anxiety attack. I just cant deal. I need help and I know that posting it here wont help. bc no one sees this anyway. but this it the only outlet that I have right now

Formation of the Ashes

A major part of my secret life deals with my intimate and sexual personal life. There are a few things that makes this such a big secret and big deal for me. From the people who know, the people I have had sex with, and why I have had sex with them. Even what happens when I am done having sex with certain people.

It's crazy because I just started writing and already I am starting to feel uneasy about this post. My heart is beating uncontrollably and tears are building up in my eyes. I have this desire to call someone right now just to get my mind off of this subject. But it is something that I want and need to do. I need to get this out. And this blog (even though no one views this) is my outlet.

I started having sex the summer of 2010 during which I was still in high school. I never told anyone in my family, except for my cousin who was the same age me. I never told my family for a few reasons. One was because my mother and I were not close what so ever. We were too close in age and argued more than the average. Many harsh words would launch from her mouth at the smallest problems. As I would stand there and take it her words stabbed me like daggers every time. Over time the relationship faded and I distanced myself from her. She was not a person that I trusted with my information and not someone that I felt comfortable around. Another reason why I did not go to my family was because every single woman from my grandmother down has had a child before they turn 19 years old. I was seen as the "golden child" of the family. I had amazing grades, I was quiet, respectful, kind to everyone, took classes and interned at Yale. They constantly placed me on a pedestal. I am so worried about protecting other people and their emotions that I could not bring myself to tell them about it. Even until this day they all think that I am a virgin, I still do not have the courage to tell them otherwise. Especially because too many questions will cause them to dig deep into this secret life.

Let me take you a little further into this summer. You know how people say if you keep knocking then someone is bound to answer? Well, I kept knocking on the door of the devil and that summer he answered and I almost walked inside. Now I have told a couple people about this summer once I moved away to college. But there were certain things that I lied about because I was ashamed. But this is the complete truth.

Let me start off at the beginning. Once it started to get warm, I would sneak to my friend's house. Me and him were always very close. We knew all about each other. Actually we have been really close up until about a month ago when I had to cut him off completely. But that is something for another post. But he knew that I was a virgin so when I would go to his house we would not have penetrative sex ( I guess you can call it). He was not a virgin by any means. I appreciate that he would not try to take advantage of me or do anything that I did not want to do. We would have oral sex he would perform on me. I don't remember if I did it to him at this time and I don't want to lie. There was a lot of touching, feeling, and groping going on. The one problem was that he was two years older than me, graduating and had a girlfriend. Both him and the girlfriend went to my high school.

Now it was the middle of June and it was the day of his senior trip. I planned on losing my virginity to him. He said that he wasn't going on his trip so at the end of the day we would just go to his house if I was sure. Me and him talked to each other and flirted but yet I think that my feelings were stronger. I was sitting downstairs ready, excited, and nervous. Then I looked out of the window as I waited and saw him get on the bus with his girlfriend hand in hand. I was so hurt. I think that I just wanted attention.

I knew that there was this one guy from school who liked me. I hung out with him once before and it seemed ok even though he tried to have sex but I turned him down. I was so desperate for attention that I texted him asked if I could come over and the next thing you know I was on the city bus to his house. This is the hard part because to be honest I do not know what to call what happened next. I went over there and he had two friends downstairs. We walked passed them and went upstairs (Sign
#1). We were sitting upstairs and just talking. Everything was fine. But something was screaming at me to go home, to just get up and make an excuse to leave. But I sat there. Then he laid down and continued talking. I thought, that there was no harm in laying down so I went to do so. Then he said in order to lay down I have to take my pants off (Sign #2). You would think that I would have said no. But in the back of my mind I thought that there could be nothing wrong with this. He dated a couple of my friends and I never heard anything bad about him. He was the star basketball player and everyone loved him. So do you know what I did? I took my pants off and I laid there. It was ok for a second, everything was calm. But then he flipped over on me and started grabbing at my clothes. He attempted to kiss me but it just felt like a dead skull being rubbed against my face. I pushed him away and he stopped. But words did not come out of my mouth. He went back on me but I moved away. I thought he got the hint because he got up and walked to the other side of the room. I sat there and rubbed my face. What the fuck was I doing? But I did not move. I did not grab my pants. I did not try to leave. Everything was happening too fast and I did not know what to do. But then I watched him lock the door (Sign #3). I looked over for my stuff. Time for that excuse to leave. In my mind I had all of my stuff in my hand but I can't remember for the life of me how my body failed to move. Then he walked over to the bed with an animal like pace and got back on me. I turned my head and told him to "wait" I felt his face crush my mouth and I told him to "chill". It was too late because I could not move from under him and I gave up the fight. I let my eyes glaze over and tried really hard not to scream because that would only verify what was happening. After I while he got up and asked for a condom. I did not move for a long while, I just laid there fighting back every emotion. I think that moment was when I learned to hold my emotions in. Then he left the room. I think to ask his friends for one. But I grabbed my stuff and ran to the bathroom. He came knocking at the door and asked if I was alright and he will be in his room. I could not look in the mirror. I just put my clothes on and ran outside to catch the bus. I rode the two hour bus ride completely dead on the inside. I had absolutely no thoughts, no words, no emotions. I did not go back to school after that day because finals were over and I did not need to. The boy also transferred schools that summer.

To this day I do not know what to call what happened. The few people that I told of the situation, I said that I was raped. Only because that is exactly what it felt like. But thinking back I don't know what it was.

I did not want to remember that as my first time. So a couple weeks after I had sex with my friend who had the girlfriend. A few days after he asked about my virginity and I told him what happened. He thought I lied about it and that I was a hoe. He did not believe me and he did not talk to me for days. The person that I am now would have left him alone right then. But I literally had no one. And he was the closest to something. So I tried my best to please him. I think that he knew that as well. He would talk to me when he felt like it and I would accept that. I would travel just to go to his house and have sex with him. We did not use protection and soon after I got pregnant. I never took a test but my period was late by two months. I told him and he denied it, told me to "kill it". And said that he refused to talk to me until I got an abortion. At that point I thought that I could do it on my own. So I had a plan to run away and fend for myself like on the Gilmore Girls. It was going to be me and my baby. I thought at least now I have someone who could love me. But do not get me wrong I was panicking and crying every night until I determined that I was pregnant. I looked up was to self abort but I was not going to do that. I went to an amusement park for a friend's birthday. I got on rides. And I felt the worse pain I have ever felt in my entire life. The bleeding was much more than an average period. As I sat in the bathroom I knew. I had my father pick me up and bring me home. I showered, went to my bed and stayed there.

Besides the one "friend" no one knew. I felt empty and depressed. I wanted to die and I thought that I was ready. I tried to drown myself and it didn't work, I tried to suffocate myself, and it didn't work and I started to talk to the wrong group of people. I started to talk to local guys online some were even in there late twenties. I had video chats with them, sent pictures of certain things to one, sexted. I did not care about the consequences. I was still sneaking to have sex with my "friend". I planned on meeting up with one of the guys. But my mom stopped me and we had this argument about how I was acting. I lost myself and I stayed lost for years. I started to change when I found a boyfriend and was able to focus. But once he cheated I learned that I still had no one and I could not trust anyone.
I realize that this post is already extremely long. I did not even get into my main point. I am going to post this and continue with an additional post at a later date.

The Dark Side of the Moon

I am going back to my home state for what seems like a very longtime. I am transferring schools because of the lack of a certain major at my original school. I have a mixture of feelings in regards to this change. I am happy and excited because after I graduate from this school I should have a profession and make a decent amount of money. Also, I know longer have the stress and pressure of becoming a doctor. I might also be able to study a little more because I will not have anyone to annoy. I will not have people to talk to, confide in, people to hang out with and stay up late talking crazy with and dancing to ratchet music. I will not have anyone around to hold my attention and help me appreciate the little things. It is not because it’s a new school, because I don’t have friends at this school. It's not that I am not willing to make new friends. It is because I know everyone at this school already. They are the same people from high school. The same people who hated me. People that would talk about my hair, clothes, my social life. People that will judge me and laugh at me before asking what was wrong or even how I was feeling. These people have caused an undesirable feeling to reside within me, that tends to take control every time I step foot in this state. This is where the negative feelings come into play. I am leaving behind the first real friends I ever had. The first group of people who actually loved me from the beginning and whole heartedly cared about me. I feel safe and at home when I am around these friends. Now I am leaving. I know that we were going to have to separate eventually because as everyone graduates and move on and away to different parts of the country or whatever the case may be. But it was not supposed to happen this soon. I was not supposed to leave right now. I knew that it I would leave soon. But I thought that I would have another semester to find a different school that was not in this state. If I left at the end of the school year then I would be more prepared for the change and I would have a plan. The worst part about it is that I left for the holiday break holding onto the possibility that I would be returning in three weeks. Not even a week into the vacation that hope was shot with the delivery of that package.

Now I am partially at fault. I tend to let my emotions take the lead. I get mad, upset, and overwhelmed so easily then I try to find a way to run away from that feeling. I also have a bad habit of calling my mother when things are bad. Just because I expect some type of advice or positive encouragement. Even though that is not what I always receive I still continue to call. Sometimes I attach on to the negative emotions that were sometimes healed by the wrong things said and ran with it. That’s how this application got sent in. When I realized that I had made a mistake it was too late. I am also upset because made family just wanted me back up state which is understandable because they are family but at the same time it is extremely selfish. So when I was swimming in this pool of negativity they decided to use that against me to get what they want rather than think of the best solution for the situation. I could major in something else and still become a nurse which I had to figure out on my own. Meaning I could have stayed at this school. But it is too late because I already withdrew.

 I have been able to put up a front for about 95% of the people that know me. I have secrets that have a lot to do with this state and certain people. These secrets have controlled my life for quite some time. I was never able to exhale or sleep comfortably, my mind was never at rest. Going away to college helped me release a new part of me. A part of me that I never knew existed. The negative part of me was still present however it was beginning to help me grow stronger. I was actually happy and I was not alone on this new journey. I developed a family that understood me and was there for me. Even though I had some friends that were there for me more than others, they were all there.  Back in my state no one understands me the way that the friends at school do; not even my actual family. It is annoying because I am being sent back to this place. It is crazy because I watched this show that described this place perfectly. It is a place where people try to convince you that you are not alone and that you have something to live for. It is also a place where people let you down, people hurt you, and people lie. They do not see any harm in this and they do not understand because “they don’t live on the dark side of the moon”. But the one thing that I have carried with my from both parts of the moon were my eyes. Extremely sad eyes that I cannot hide no matter how strong I become. Once again, I am at fault. I have to make the decision to be happy. I have to find a way to be happy. I am determined to find this happiness. I found it within a lot of my friends. But now I need to find it within myself. The journey for this may be long but I am willing to fight for it. Because I kept getting glimpses of that happiness and from where I am standing it is the best thing in the world. Even if I hate this school a dread being there for the next 2-3 years, even if I resent certain family members, even if I end up going months or years without seeing my friends I know everything will be ok because I am going to be happy somehow.

I Am THANKFUL for...

...The family that has always been there for me

...My mother who sacrificed everything to take care of me

...My little sisters that I love with everything inside

...The friends I have made

...My Bestfriend of 7(?) years who loves & understands me (vise versa)

...My dad and my father 

...My older sister that I look up to love and adore 

...The hard times that make me appreciate the good times

...The memories from those good times

...My strength

...My ability to love

...My life

-HAPPY THANKSGIVING 

"So Unsure of This Skin I've Slinked In"

My heart is tired. The wall around it is weighing heavy not only on my heart but on my soul. No matter how many times I exhale, the literal pain will not go away. It's that feeling that you have when you are really sad/frustrated/angry/tired/mad but you are not expressing your emotions. You are holding everything in and it is pounding at your chest, waiting to be set free. But for me there is not an exit. I have not found one yet. This all really hurts. Nothing is helping. I am still desperately fighting against this pain. Crying isn't helping anymore. I am just so tired. I just want to scream, have a rush, do something to feel normal again. The quiet sounds are not safe. My soul is VERY strong...but my heart is weak. ...What is wrong with me?

When Will I Be Me?

I do not receive many views on my blogs, which I am fine with. The only time anyone ever comes across this is when they are searching for me. If you feel strongly enough towards me to actually search for me then you deserve to read this and all of my other blogs and learn a little about me. My blogs may not be grammatically correct and they may not make sense. But that is fine because I am just rambling and I am not an English major.

At least I know that about myself. I know at least one thing about myself which is more than some people in this world. Some people live their lives without knowing anything about themselves, but I know that I am not always capable of expressing myself in the ways that I should. As people grow into adulthood they are suppose to learn more about who they are. But somewhere down the road I was detoured and I got lost. I forgot who I am. I do not know who I really am and I do not know how to get back to that person. I lost myself and I do not know how to find her. I have gone too far off course and I can't find my way back. I honestly think that that Kenya is somewhere gone daydreaming about what use to be and all of the happy moments that made up her life. Where ever she is right now she is enjoying her life because that is the type of person she is. She makes the best of every situation. She cares about everyone and everything no matter what. She lives to please others and she is a strong young woman that is Heaven sent. She sometime make people unhappy but it is never on purpose. She sees the best in everything and everyone no matter what they have done. She does  not let people hurt her but she is open to whomever cares. She lets people help her. All of this is why I am not afraid for her, I am not afraid that she is no longer with me because she is strong and safe.

However, I am sad because she has seemed to have left me all alone and sometimes I wish that she was back here with me. But I would not want anyone to tamper with her strong being. Right now I feel all alone. I have felt alone for a very long time. My heart grew cold and I do not let people in. I do not want to bring people down with me because I would never wish my sorrows onto any other person. Most people came here for an education. But I came here to find someone anyone to help me. For once in a very long time I have felt like a new and better person. Though the sorrow tends to sneak up on me sometimes I still felt brand new. I felt stronger. I have met some amazing people and done things and I lived. I started to figure out who I am. I started to open up to people but not completely. I have not figured out how to do that yet. Somehow after being here for one and a half academic years I have found and lost friends that I became close to, friends that I have fun with, friends that make me happy. I have been lied to by friends and I have been taken advantage of. I have come across people who swear that they gave a damn about me. Some did and some did not. But I did not let that bother me. I have been a lone for so long that it does not bother me too much. I have found an older sister. An older sister that I adore and look up to. One that seems like she cares but I still can not tell yet. She could be just like every other person that I have met, but I am now hopeful and I hope that she is different. I have found brothers and older brothers that also care and are willing to help and protect me. Yet I do not care anymore. I stopped listening to promises that will inevitably be broken. I have family that loves me but they only seen a part of my life and that is all that I want them to see. They do not know this Kenya they know the other Kenya and they think that she is still here  but she is not. They see her so I have to put on her mask and play pretend.

Now it is time for me to go and I am afraid. I am afraid because my heart started to thaw out and now it is freezing back. I am leaving all of these people to go back to a life that ran the other Kenya away. I am not strong there, I am not happy there because I am alone. No one knows this Kenya and no one understands this Kenya. I am afraid of this loneliness because it is a darkness that I can not control. In this darkness I have lost a lot of things and if I go back I am not sure what else I may lose. I have already started to distance myself from this new family because it will make it easier to leave them behind. The new institution contains the people that think the worst of me without knowing me. People that stomp me down even further. No one understands the pain that I felt. I am strong enough to fight off this pain but it is about to be a long and tiresome war.

I have grown accustomed to blocking people out because it hurts when they forget about me. This time it may be a little harder because I have never had people like these before. I am going to miss my friends and my brothers and I am really going to miss my older sister. I have always wanted an older sister. Someone to help me and just listen. Someone to just be there to talk to or talk at even if they aren't really listening, someone to be that light. I am leaving them. This time leaving hurts. I do not want to go back but I have to. My mother told me that "these people" do not care about me. She tried to make me believe that they are not true and that they are not real. She says that I am too emotional and too attached. And that it is blocking my judgement. She says that I have not grown enough to realize that there are bad people in this world. But I know what is real and true. I know how to identify these bad people though my judgement may sometimes get in the way. I have stared these evil people in the eyes numerous times over the past four years. But just to help me keep my sanity I am leaving with her words in mind. It is easier to forget people who do not care. The lost Kenya would take a different approach but she isn't here. According to my mother I have to do what I have to do. But I am afraid.

*SHHH!* It's a secret!

I am typing this out because everytime I open my mouth I jinx it "( . 

I know! I know!

It sounds crazy but I swear it is true!

And I really need to say this or get it down at least.

Or else I will end up talking about in school

then it wont come true.

 

Ok so I keep changing my top schools. First it was University of Connecticut, then is was Howard, and now it is *drum roll please!!!!* Spelman. I really want to go there now. I have not been notified of a decision from any of these schools yet. But the deadline for Spelman to notify me of admission is New Years Eve. And the dead line for Howard to notify (that is if they received my stuff by then, which is a whole other story) is Christmas Eve. And UConn's is February 1st. 

But anyway. I really want to go to Spelman. I live in CT so it is a far distance from home but my mom promised she will fly me back and forth if need be. I have done a lot of research on this school and it has great professors, students there walk away with an amazing education and benefits and they also get a lot out of it. I even searched on Tumblr and some amazing pictures and blogs came up about it and I thought it seemed like a cool place to be.

I can honestly see myself at Spelman. I just really hope that I get in. I meet their SAT requirements and everything the only thing that I am worried about is the fact that they admit no more than 39% of their applicants. 

I really hope I find out really soon. The deadline for early action was November 15th and they received all of my materials by the 27th of October. So hopefully my application is close to the top so they could give me a decision faster. I figured people who applied for early decision would get their applications first and they would be informed first and the deadline for them to find out is December 15th. So starting the 16th hopefully they will begin to mail out the decisions for early action applicants. 

 I feel much more relaxed :] 

First College Acceptance Letter

Yesterday on November 3, 2011 at 8:11 am I received an email informing me that I have been accepted to University of New Haven! It is my first ever acceptance letter!!! Even though that it is my safety school and last choice as of the moment I am extremely excited because right now no matter what I am going to college :) . So even if I get declined by somewhere, which I'm sure I will, I still have somewhere to go. Now I am just waiting on my top four choices to let me know. Right now they are Howard University, University of Connecticut, Temple University, and Spelman College!

College Made me Think

Ever since I graduated from my Yale program my family have been talking to about college. I don't mean my mother and sister when I say family because they have been talking to me about it since like elementary.. my mother at least. When I say family I mean my aunts like the the ones from North Carolina and ones that I only talk to occasionally from across state. My great aunt, my second cousins, great grandparents, older cousins, grandparents and it is all just so amazing to me. I never knew that all these people we excited and proud of me in the ways that they have been showing. 

It is crazy because I have been wondering what I'm going to do this school year once I'm settled with sending in my college stuff. Who would I become best friends with, what will I do during my free time. In school I have tons of friends don't get me wrong. But it's not like I try to hang out with them on a daily basis outside of school unless I'm going to some type of game or party. To top it off my best friends either live out of state far away, graduated and are busy in college, or work part time after school.

During the past three years of high school I was busy trying to be friends with people who would either use me, didn't care, or I built relationships that wasted my time. 

All of this college talk and applying made me realize something. This is my last year in high school, my last year being a kid, my last year that I will spend everyday with my family. And the last chance I will get to spend a lot of time with the people who love and believe in me the most. That is what I'm going to do this year. I'm going to use up every minute I have. If it has nothing to do with school or college I'm going to spend it with my family. But don't get me wrong, because I am still a teenager, I'm still going to parties and games with my friends from school. But I'm going to be more wise and thoughtful of my decisions.