Rewriting June 23rd

Before I get into anything, this post is being posted later than I intended. I had to work, do homework, and squeeze in naps. Plus I wanted to make sure I wrote everything that I wanted to. So let's get started.

First I want to start by saying that I have some bad news. But after this everything else is good news, I swear! So remember how I went celibate on May 1st? Well on June 16th that changed. Wait! Let me explain because I promise it will get better. It wasn't by just anyone. It was with the guy that I have been on an on-and-off  "best friends with benefits" thing with for about 6 years. Same guy that got me pregnant a few years ago and that I thought I was head over heals in love with. But at this point I just love him but not enough to move forward. Anyway, I'm not upset about breaking my celibacy because I'm a strong believer in "everything happens for a reason". I needed to feel loved and I needed to be made love to by him. I didn't want casual sex or to just have sex because I couldn't control my hormones. I wanted that slow, face to face, intense stares and smiles, tight embraces type of sex. And that is exactly what I got. I still feel strong and in control because I have said no numerous times before this. Like the guy in the I Almost Slipped post. I said no to him because even though my body was screaming yes, my mind was yelling NO, and my heart was absent. Where as with the guy from the 16th, all three said yes. There was not any hesitation, sadness, or regret. This was not our 1st, 5th, or even 30th time being with each other. It felt right.

Now here is where things changed a little. Mind you, we are both single and have no commitment to each other But while we were talking to each other we talked about so much. Mainly what it would be like if were actually were committed and later on progressed into even more. The funny thing is that he initiated the entire conversation. Now that I do not have extremely strong feelings he wants to try to make it work. But a lot has happened which causes me to back away from committing to him. But that is for another post. So, a couple of days after we were with each other, he was on a social networking site talking about how he is lonely and wishes someone was there with him. A girl comments and they start flirting and end up making plans to for her to go to his house that day. I have known him long enough to know that nothing innocent and harmless results from a girl going to his house. I know we are not together, but it sort of hurt because like I said it has been 6 years and I already have reservations and I do not have time for the games anymore. But I knew a change was going to come.

Like I said I do not regret anything. But I still stand by what I said in my original post on wanting to stay celibate to improve myself. I figured I can't give up because like Aaliyah said, if you fall just dust yourself off and try again (sorry I know that was wack but I was just listening to that song). I really want it to be significant and even more meaningful this time. Then I remembered June 23. It hit me that this was going to be the day that I officially began the change in my life. June 23 2010 was the date that I was raped and the day that changed my life. I figured I don't want this day to always symbolize a tragedy in my life, so why not make it meaning something beautiful? In the past every time this day came around or when I thought of this date I went into complete darkness. Like back in college when my friends thought I was raped but I was just reminded of this day by someone who was pushing up on me. Usually when I start to think about it I quickly change the subject in my mind or find a distraction. When that doesn't work I can not pull my mind away from it until I fall asleep. I start off crying very hard to the point where I have to take my contacts out. My mind goes blank or sometimes I think about how terrible the situation is and become disgusted with myself. Sometimes I my body starts to shake. Like in college on of my friends saw me crying and thought it was a good idea to try to hug me. That small contact made me shake uncontrollably to the point where I think I scared her. Sometimes I notice when people around me are talking or talking to me but it wont process. Then I lay down and try to stay still and alone that way I can try to calm down or sleep. I want this to stop because I do not want this to continue to control my life. So June 23 was the day that someone took away my control, confidence, and sanity and now it is going to mark the day that I took it all back.

Now let me tell you how God blessed me on this day. I woke up very early feeling like I needed something else to change. Remember my friend that I was really close to in college? She was the one that got hurt first semester of last year. I was a terrible friend to her. We made up back in November, but we were still a little distant. I wanted that to change. I wanted to have her close in my life again. So I was up early, before I could even brush my teeth I wrote her everything that was in my heart and I apologized for every thing I've done and did not hold any of my feelings or emotions back. She read it and talked about it. We agreed that it will take a little time but are working to get back to how we use to be. I was so excited and happy to have one of my best friends back. So she is another new event that I can add to this day. Then later on that day I had a job interview. The manager brought me into his office, looked over my resume, and stated that he would love to have me work there. I start in two weeks. I was so high off life that I almost started crying once I walked outside.

These may seem like minor things to you, but they are major to me because for once in four years there was no darkness. June 23 has been written into my life as the day of darkness and sorrow, however June 23, 2014 I rewrote my life.

I Almost Slipped!

So remember how I decided to go celibate a month or so ago? Well that was going well until yesterday. Before I continue, I plan on being very open about this topic so no judgment.
Ok. So one of my friends from back when I was in high school contacted me a week ago wanting to hang out. I've known him for over twelve years. We were always cool, never flirted or anything like that. Yesterday, he comes to pick me up and we plan on hanging out at his friend's house because they were having a small get together. We were casually flirting while we made a few stops before we got to the house. Once we got there we all started drinking and smoking. We were all laughing and goofing around having a great time. Moving forward, me and him were sitting on the porch playing games on my phone and he kept leaning closer and closer. I was very resistant at first but then gave in and kissed him. We were making out and everything was fine. The mosquitos started to come out and we went inside. Some of the other people were changing their clothes because they were going to the club, but I had to work in the morning so I was just waiting to leave. Me and the guy were in one of the rooms waiting watching TV. We started making out again which was nice. The kissing was great, and I am not going to lie I was curious to know what else that mouth could do. So we are making out pretty heavy with the door close. His hands are traveling places, and his fingers started to play with things. And it all felt GREAT. But then he started to pull at my pants and I calmly told him that he needed to wait. So he stopped and we continued to make out. But being under the influence really caused me to crave sex. So I started going a little harder with the making out and grinding. His hands and fingers started to explore again. Before you know it his mouth went down under. At this point I was not going to stop him. But then he started to unzip his pants and I sobered up. I explained how things were going too fast and we need to stop since we were not clear headed at the moment. He agreed after he tried to get me to give him oral sex but that was not going to happen. So once he relaxed, we talked and finally left. Everything was cool. He still texted me this morning and everything is good between us. I do not feel bad about the oral sex. But stopping from actual intercourse was hard, I must admit.
In my mind I just kept thinking of the promise I made to myself, and how much it meant to me. I really want to save myself for the right person this time and not just anyone, no matter how long I have known them. This is like a fresh start for me and he just was not the one.

May I be the 1st to Concent

I sort of have an announcement. I think I started to explain it in the post "Formation of the Ashes" (which I promise to continue on right after I finish with finals). Anyway, I decided to become celibate. I thought about it a few times in the past but never thought about actually doing it. I really got motivated to go celibate when my older sister went celibate. I look up to her a  lot and I thought that going celibate was a great thing. Even though she did not last as long as she wanted to I am still proud of her for making it for as long as she did. ( I have to confess I was sort of hurt that she did not make it the whole way. But she is still a strong woman). OK back to me.

So I want to try to last a year at first, and if I make it that far then possibly another year. If I make it to that point then I want to go all the way until I complete finish school including graduate school. I have friends who have yet to have sex and I admire them so much.

Now lets get to why I want to do this. If I could turn back the hands of time to about four years ago then I would so have waited. The first person I had sex with I completely regretted for numerous reasons and I felt completely empty inside after. The guy that I intended to sleep with for the first time was great. He is the close guy friend that I mentioned in the last post. But sex with him was so great that I did not realize how bad we were for each other. Just because the sex is good does not mean you should be with that person. Soon we just began using each other for sex. This got messy because our feelings always got thrown into the mix and there were a lot of other factors involved. Four years later, I realize that I do not ever want to be with him. The problem is that when I had sex with someone that was not him, I did not like it because there was always this intense emotion that was connect to sex with him that I did not have with anyone else. I don't know...I don't really enjoy it. I have gotten to the point where I do not connect emotion to it at all and I just do it for the relief of stress or personal pleasure. However, sometimes I feel like sh*t afterwards.

Another reason is that I want to regain control over my life and develop my own sense of power. I never felt as if I had control over my life and that always bothered me. ( I will talk about this more in a later post).  I feel like that it is kind of changing me for the worst. Lately I have been trying to find myself and I do not need to start changing negatively causing me to become even more lost. I want to have that power and strength and beauty. I see myself as a rare and unique breed that not everyone is deserving of. I use to be so hard on myself when I had sex with someone that was not the main guy (I hope I am not being confusing BTW because I honestly do not know how to refer to him without naming names). Sometimes I would get intense anxiety attacks or cry for hours or just try to block off all thought going on in my head. It's crazy I know, but that is why I am trying to fix it now.

When I do decided to have sex again I want it to be my choice. I want it to be with a guy that understands and that I am in love with. Not someone who's focus is just on one thing.

So, this journey is going to start May 1st! I wanted a date that I could easily remember. Also, I recently had sex with a person from school and I just wanted this to really by my choice. I did not want it to be a sudden impulsive thing. It is an certain date that is planned, that is welcomed, and that I am anticipating.

I will keep you updated (who ever you are that always view this blog). I am not sure how many people actually stop and read this stuff or are just passing through in search of a different blog. But to those who actually read this, I thank you. Like I mentioned before, I do not have many people that I feel secure enough to talk to about this. Or people that would actually care. So when I see an increase in my view count for this blog it really warms my heart. So thank you for not making me feel like I am alone