Before I get into anything, this post is being posted later than I intended. I had to work, do homework, and squeeze in naps. Plus I wanted to make sure I wrote everything that I wanted to. So let's get started.
First I want to start by saying that I have some bad news. But after this everything else is good news, I swear! So remember how I went celibate on May 1st? Well on June 16th that changed. Wait! Let me explain because I promise it will get better. It wasn't by just anyone. It was with the guy that I have been on an on-and-off "best friends with benefits" thing with for about 6 years. Same guy that got me pregnant a few years ago and that I thought I was head over heals in love with. But at this point I just love him but not enough to move forward. Anyway, I'm not upset about breaking my celibacy because I'm a strong believer in "everything happens for a reason". I needed to feel loved and I needed to be made love to by him. I didn't want casual sex or to just have sex because I couldn't control my hormones. I wanted that slow, face to face, intense stares and smiles, tight embraces type of sex. And that is exactly what I got. I still feel strong and in control because I have said no numerous times before this. Like the guy in the I Almost Slipped post. I said no to him because even though my body was screaming yes, my mind was yelling NO, and my heart was absent. Where as with the guy from the 16th, all three said yes. There was not any hesitation, sadness, or regret. This was not our 1st, 5th, or even 30th time being with each other. It felt right.
Now here is where things changed a little. Mind you, we are both single and have no commitment to each other But while we were talking to each other we talked about so much. Mainly what it would be like if were actually were committed and later on progressed into even more. The funny thing is that he initiated the entire conversation. Now that I do not have extremely strong feelings he wants to try to make it work. But a lot has happened which causes me to back away from committing to him. But that is for another post. So, a couple of days after we were with each other, he was on a social networking site talking about how he is lonely and wishes someone was there with him. A girl comments and they start flirting and end up making plans to for her to go to his house that day. I have known him long enough to know that nothing innocent and harmless results from a girl going to his house. I know we are not together, but it sort of hurt because like I said it has been 6 years and I already have reservations and I do not have time for the games anymore. But I knew a change was going to come.
Like I said I do not regret anything. But I still stand by what I said in my original post on wanting to stay celibate to improve myself. I figured I can't give up because like Aaliyah said, if you fall just dust yourself off and try again (sorry I know that was wack but I was just listening to that song). I really want it to be significant and even more meaningful this time. Then I remembered June 23. It hit me that this was going to be the day that I officially began the change in my life. June 23 2010 was the date that I was raped and the day that changed my life. I figured I don't want this day to always symbolize a tragedy in my life, so why not make it meaning something beautiful? In the past every time this day came around or when I thought of this date I went into complete darkness. Like back in college when my friends thought I was raped but I was just reminded of this day by someone who was pushing up on me. Usually when I start to think about it I quickly change the subject in my mind or find a distraction. When that doesn't work I can not pull my mind away from it until I fall asleep. I start off crying very hard to the point where I have to take my contacts out. My mind goes blank or sometimes I think about how terrible the situation is and become disgusted with myself. Sometimes I my body starts to shake. Like in college on of my friends saw me crying and thought it was a good idea to try to hug me. That small contact made me shake uncontrollably to the point where I think I scared her. Sometimes I notice when people around me are talking or talking to me but it wont process. Then I lay down and try to stay still and alone that way I can try to calm down or sleep. I want this to stop because I do not want this to continue to control my life. So June 23 was the day that someone took away my control, confidence, and sanity and now it is going to mark the day that I took it all back.
Now let me tell you how God blessed me on this day. I woke up very early feeling like I needed something else to change. Remember my friend that I was really close to in college? She was the one that got hurt first semester of last year. I was a terrible friend to her. We made up back in November, but we were still a little distant. I wanted that to change. I wanted to have her close in my life again. So I was up early, before I could even brush my teeth I wrote her everything that was in my heart and I apologized for every thing I've done and did not hold any of my feelings or emotions back. She read it and talked about it. We agreed that it will take a little time but are working to get back to how we use to be. I was so excited and happy to have one of my best friends back. So she is another new event that I can add to this day. Then later on that day I had a job interview. The manager brought me into his office, looked over my resume, and stated that he would love to have me work there. I start in two weeks. I was so high off life that I almost started crying once I walked outside.
These may seem like minor things to you, but they are major to me because for once in four years there was no darkness. June 23 has been written into my life as the day of darkness and sorrow, however June 23, 2014 I rewrote my life.
Showing posts with label Rape. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Rape. Show all posts
Wednesday, June 25, 2014
Sunday, April 6, 2014
Formation of the Ashes
A major part of my secret life deals with my intimate and sexual personal life. There are a few things that makes this such a big secret and big deal for me. From the people who know, the people I have had sex with, and why I have had sex with them. Even what happens when I am done having sex with certain people.
It's crazy because I just started writing and already I am starting to feel uneasy about this post. My heart is beating uncontrollably and tears are building up in my eyes. I have this desire to call someone right now just to get my mind off of this subject. But it is something that I want and need to do. I need to get this out. And this blog (even though no one views this) is my outlet.
I started having sex the summer of 2010 during which I was still in high school. I never told anyone in my family, except for my cousin who was the same age me. I never told my family for a few reasons. One was because my mother and I were not close what so ever. We were too close in age and argued more than the average. Many harsh words would launch from her mouth at the smallest problems. As I would stand there and take it her words stabbed me like daggers every time. Over time the relationship faded and I distanced myself from her. She was not a person that I trusted with my information and not someone that I felt comfortable around. Another reason why I did not go to my family was because every single woman from my grandmother down has had a child before they turn 19 years old. I was seen as the "golden child" of the family. I had amazing grades, I was quiet, respectful, kind to everyone, took classes and interned at Yale. They constantly placed me on a pedestal. I am so worried about protecting other people and their emotions that I could not bring myself to tell them about it. Even until this day they all think that I am a virgin, I still do not have the courage to tell them otherwise. Especially because too many questions will cause them to dig deep into this secret life.
Let me take you a little further into this summer. You know how people say if you keep knocking then someone is bound to answer? Well, I kept knocking on the door of the devil and that summer he answered and I almost walked inside. Now I have told a couple people about this summer once I moved away to college. But there were certain things that I lied about because I was ashamed. But this is the complete truth.
Let me start off at the beginning. Once it started to get warm, I would sneak to my friend's house. Me and him were always very close. We knew all about each other. Actually we have been really close up until about a month ago when I had to cut him off completely. But that is something for another post. But he knew that I was a virgin so when I would go to his house we would not have penetrative sex ( I guess you can call it). He was not a virgin by any means. I appreciate that he would not try to take advantage of me or do anything that I did not want to do. We would have oral sex he would perform on me. I don't remember if I did it to him at this time and I don't want to lie. There was a lot of touching, feeling, and groping going on. The one problem was that he was two years older than me, graduating and had a girlfriend. Both him and the girlfriend went to my high school.
Now it was the middle of June and it was the day of his senior trip. I planned on losing my virginity to him. He said that he wasn't going on his trip so at the end of the day we would just go to his house if I was sure. Me and him talked to each other and flirted but yet I think that my feelings were stronger. I was sitting downstairs ready, excited, and nervous. Then I looked out of the window as I waited and saw him get on the bus with his girlfriend hand in hand. I was so hurt. I think that I just wanted attention.
I knew that there was this one guy from school who liked me. I hung out with him once before and it seemed ok even though he tried to have sex but I turned him down. I was so desperate for attention that I texted him asked if I could come over and the next thing you know I was on the city bus to his house. This is the hard part because to be honest I do not know what to call what happened next. I went over there and he had two friends downstairs. We walked passed them and went upstairs (Sign
#1). We were sitting upstairs and just talking. Everything was fine. But something was screaming at me to go home, to just get up and make an excuse to leave. But I sat there. Then he laid down and continued talking. I thought, that there was no harm in laying down so I went to do so. Then he said in order to lay down I have to take my pants off (Sign #2). You would think that I would have said no. But in the back of my mind I thought that there could be nothing wrong with this. He dated a couple of my friends and I never heard anything bad about him. He was the star basketball player and everyone loved him. So do you know what I did? I took my pants off and I laid there. It was ok for a second, everything was calm. But then he flipped over on me and started grabbing at my clothes. He attempted to kiss me but it just felt like a dead skull being rubbed against my face. I pushed him away and he stopped. But words did not come out of my mouth. He went back on me but I moved away. I thought he got the hint because he got up and walked to the other side of the room. I sat there and rubbed my face. What the fuck was I doing? But I did not move. I did not grab my pants. I did not try to leave. Everything was happening too fast and I did not know what to do. But then I watched him lock the door (Sign #3). I looked over for my stuff. Time for that excuse to leave. In my mind I had all of my stuff in my hand but I can't remember for the life of me how my body failed to move. Then he walked over to the bed with an animal like pace and got back on me. I turned my head and told him to "wait" I felt his face crush my mouth and I told him to "chill". It was too late because I could not move from under him and I gave up the fight. I let my eyes glaze over and tried really hard not to scream because that would only verify what was happening. After I while he got up and asked for a condom. I did not move for a long while, I just laid there fighting back every emotion. I think that moment was when I learned to hold my emotions in. Then he left the room. I think to ask his friends for one. But I grabbed my stuff and ran to the bathroom. He came knocking at the door and asked if I was alright and he will be in his room. I could not look in the mirror. I just put my clothes on and ran outside to catch the bus. I rode the two hour bus ride completely dead on the inside. I had absolutely no thoughts, no words, no emotions. I did not go back to school after that day because finals were over and I did not need to. The boy also transferred schools that summer.
To this day I do not know what to call what happened. The few people that I told of the situation, I said that I was raped. Only because that is exactly what it felt like. But thinking back I don't know what it was.
I did not want to remember that as my first time. So a couple weeks after I had sex with my friend who had the girlfriend. A few days after he asked about my virginity and I told him what happened. He thought I lied about it and that I was a hoe. He did not believe me and he did not talk to me for days. The person that I am now would have left him alone right then. But I literally had no one. And he was the closest to something. So I tried my best to please him. I think that he knew that as well. He would talk to me when he felt like it and I would accept that. I would travel just to go to his house and have sex with him. We did not use protection and soon after I got pregnant. I never took a test but my period was late by two months. I told him and he denied it, told me to "kill it". And said that he refused to talk to me until I got an abortion. At that point I thought that I could do it on my own. So I had a plan to run away and fend for myself like on the Gilmore Girls. It was going to be me and my baby. I thought at least now I have someone who could love me. But do not get me wrong I was panicking and crying every night until I determined that I was pregnant. I looked up was to self abort but I was not going to do that. I went to an amusement park for a friend's birthday. I got on rides. And I felt the worse pain I have ever felt in my entire life. The bleeding was much more than an average period. As I sat in the bathroom I knew. I had my father pick me up and bring me home. I showered, went to my bed and stayed there.
Besides the one "friend" no one knew. I felt empty and depressed. I wanted to die and I thought that I was ready. I tried to drown myself and it didn't work, I tried to suffocate myself, and it didn't work and I started to talk to the wrong group of people. I started to talk to local guys online some were even in there late twenties. I had video chats with them, sent pictures of certain things to one, sexted. I did not care about the consequences. I was still sneaking to have sex with my "friend". I planned on meeting up with one of the guys. But my mom stopped me and we had this argument about how I was acting. I lost myself and I stayed lost for years. I started to change when I found a boyfriend and was able to focus. But once he cheated I learned that I still had no one and I could not trust anyone.
I realize that this post is already extremely long. I did not even get into my main point. I am going to post this and continue with an additional post at a later date.
It's crazy because I just started writing and already I am starting to feel uneasy about this post. My heart is beating uncontrollably and tears are building up in my eyes. I have this desire to call someone right now just to get my mind off of this subject. But it is something that I want and need to do. I need to get this out. And this blog (even though no one views this) is my outlet.
I started having sex the summer of 2010 during which I was still in high school. I never told anyone in my family, except for my cousin who was the same age me. I never told my family for a few reasons. One was because my mother and I were not close what so ever. We were too close in age and argued more than the average. Many harsh words would launch from her mouth at the smallest problems. As I would stand there and take it her words stabbed me like daggers every time. Over time the relationship faded and I distanced myself from her. She was not a person that I trusted with my information and not someone that I felt comfortable around. Another reason why I did not go to my family was because every single woman from my grandmother down has had a child before they turn 19 years old. I was seen as the "golden child" of the family. I had amazing grades, I was quiet, respectful, kind to everyone, took classes and interned at Yale. They constantly placed me on a pedestal. I am so worried about protecting other people and their emotions that I could not bring myself to tell them about it. Even until this day they all think that I am a virgin, I still do not have the courage to tell them otherwise. Especially because too many questions will cause them to dig deep into this secret life.
Let me take you a little further into this summer. You know how people say if you keep knocking then someone is bound to answer? Well, I kept knocking on the door of the devil and that summer he answered and I almost walked inside. Now I have told a couple people about this summer once I moved away to college. But there were certain things that I lied about because I was ashamed. But this is the complete truth.
Let me start off at the beginning. Once it started to get warm, I would sneak to my friend's house. Me and him were always very close. We knew all about each other. Actually we have been really close up until about a month ago when I had to cut him off completely. But that is something for another post. But he knew that I was a virgin so when I would go to his house we would not have penetrative sex ( I guess you can call it). He was not a virgin by any means. I appreciate that he would not try to take advantage of me or do anything that I did not want to do. We would have oral sex he would perform on me. I don't remember if I did it to him at this time and I don't want to lie. There was a lot of touching, feeling, and groping going on. The one problem was that he was two years older than me, graduating and had a girlfriend. Both him and the girlfriend went to my high school.
Now it was the middle of June and it was the day of his senior trip. I planned on losing my virginity to him. He said that he wasn't going on his trip so at the end of the day we would just go to his house if I was sure. Me and him talked to each other and flirted but yet I think that my feelings were stronger. I was sitting downstairs ready, excited, and nervous. Then I looked out of the window as I waited and saw him get on the bus with his girlfriend hand in hand. I was so hurt. I think that I just wanted attention.
I knew that there was this one guy from school who liked me. I hung out with him once before and it seemed ok even though he tried to have sex but I turned him down. I was so desperate for attention that I texted him asked if I could come over and the next thing you know I was on the city bus to his house. This is the hard part because to be honest I do not know what to call what happened next. I went over there and he had two friends downstairs. We walked passed them and went upstairs (Sign
#1). We were sitting upstairs and just talking. Everything was fine. But something was screaming at me to go home, to just get up and make an excuse to leave. But I sat there. Then he laid down and continued talking. I thought, that there was no harm in laying down so I went to do so. Then he said in order to lay down I have to take my pants off (Sign #2). You would think that I would have said no. But in the back of my mind I thought that there could be nothing wrong with this. He dated a couple of my friends and I never heard anything bad about him. He was the star basketball player and everyone loved him. So do you know what I did? I took my pants off and I laid there. It was ok for a second, everything was calm. But then he flipped over on me and started grabbing at my clothes. He attempted to kiss me but it just felt like a dead skull being rubbed against my face. I pushed him away and he stopped. But words did not come out of my mouth. He went back on me but I moved away. I thought he got the hint because he got up and walked to the other side of the room. I sat there and rubbed my face. What the fuck was I doing? But I did not move. I did not grab my pants. I did not try to leave. Everything was happening too fast and I did not know what to do. But then I watched him lock the door (Sign #3). I looked over for my stuff. Time for that excuse to leave. In my mind I had all of my stuff in my hand but I can't remember for the life of me how my body failed to move. Then he walked over to the bed with an animal like pace and got back on me. I turned my head and told him to "wait" I felt his face crush my mouth and I told him to "chill". It was too late because I could not move from under him and I gave up the fight. I let my eyes glaze over and tried really hard not to scream because that would only verify what was happening. After I while he got up and asked for a condom. I did not move for a long while, I just laid there fighting back every emotion. I think that moment was when I learned to hold my emotions in. Then he left the room. I think to ask his friends for one. But I grabbed my stuff and ran to the bathroom. He came knocking at the door and asked if I was alright and he will be in his room. I could not look in the mirror. I just put my clothes on and ran outside to catch the bus. I rode the two hour bus ride completely dead on the inside. I had absolutely no thoughts, no words, no emotions. I did not go back to school after that day because finals were over and I did not need to. The boy also transferred schools that summer.
To this day I do not know what to call what happened. The few people that I told of the situation, I said that I was raped. Only because that is exactly what it felt like. But thinking back I don't know what it was.
I did not want to remember that as my first time. So a couple weeks after I had sex with my friend who had the girlfriend. A few days after he asked about my virginity and I told him what happened. He thought I lied about it and that I was a hoe. He did not believe me and he did not talk to me for days. The person that I am now would have left him alone right then. But I literally had no one. And he was the closest to something. So I tried my best to please him. I think that he knew that as well. He would talk to me when he felt like it and I would accept that. I would travel just to go to his house and have sex with him. We did not use protection and soon after I got pregnant. I never took a test but my period was late by two months. I told him and he denied it, told me to "kill it". And said that he refused to talk to me until I got an abortion. At that point I thought that I could do it on my own. So I had a plan to run away and fend for myself like on the Gilmore Girls. It was going to be me and my baby. I thought at least now I have someone who could love me. But do not get me wrong I was panicking and crying every night until I determined that I was pregnant. I looked up was to self abort but I was not going to do that. I went to an amusement park for a friend's birthday. I got on rides. And I felt the worse pain I have ever felt in my entire life. The bleeding was much more than an average period. As I sat in the bathroom I knew. I had my father pick me up and bring me home. I showered, went to my bed and stayed there.
Besides the one "friend" no one knew. I felt empty and depressed. I wanted to die and I thought that I was ready. I tried to drown myself and it didn't work, I tried to suffocate myself, and it didn't work and I started to talk to the wrong group of people. I started to talk to local guys online some were even in there late twenties. I had video chats with them, sent pictures of certain things to one, sexted. I did not care about the consequences. I was still sneaking to have sex with my "friend". I planned on meeting up with one of the guys. But my mom stopped me and we had this argument about how I was acting. I lost myself and I stayed lost for years. I started to change when I found a boyfriend and was able to focus. But once he cheated I learned that I still had no one and I could not trust anyone.
I realize that this post is already extremely long. I did not even get into my main point. I am going to post this and continue with an additional post at a later date.
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