It has been quite a while since I posted anything on here. I honestly don't know where to start because so much has changed with me. I have had quite a few amazing revelations. Then of course there are still certain things that get me down. I honestly feel like it is this house that I live in.
Remember WAY back in my posts from when I was attending Spelman and I stated how moving back home is going to be my down fall. I think even then I knew how my family was; which I why I decided to move all the way to Georgia in the first place. It's really difficult living with parents that never wanted you and on occasion find subtle ways on reminding you about that. Then also a sibling that couldn't care less about you. So yeah, I still get the panic and anxiety attacks and certain reoccurring thoughts but I have not acted on them and I've made it through. I don't make enough to be on my own right now even though I have two jobs. But that is another story.
One thing that has really helped me get through the time I spent back home is writing and reading. I read anything that would transport me into some fantasy or alternate world. Anything that can captivate my mind within the first two pages I would pretty much read. I write anything from poems, letters, short stories, thoughts, goals, anything.
I think that it is really amazing how much I have grown and learned about myself in the past couple years. I love helping and taking care of other people, so I mentor and tutor 16 hours out of the week (anything to stay out of this house). It is great! Even though I do all that I still don't have many friends out here. Most of the time I am fine with that, I just read or something. I have met many guy friends but in the end their intentions were always something that did not interest me (except for one or two). Plus I always text or video chat with my friends from my original school.
But there is an actual topic I wanted to talk about, It ties in with the title of my blog. I was searching my room for something and found this envelope that was labeled "A Reason to Smile". It contained a letter from a friend of mine from Spelman that I once before considered to be like my older sister. It was the sweetest letter anyone has ever given me. She gave it to me when I was really stressed out when I was struggling to figure out if it would be best for me to stay or to go. She emailed it to me, but I forgot that I printed it out and saved it because I was so afraid that I would lose or delete the email. In the letter she wrote:
"Think about being lost in the woods. You're isolated from all people, all things that may potentially hurt you physically, emotionally, and maybe even spiritually. Being lost implies that one is searching, looking for answers. Luckily, when you know you're lost, there is room to find yourself. Don't be afraid of being lost; embrace it. Don't stay there, but give yourself the time to explore.[...] give yourself time to figure out how the pieces of your life fit together now that they don't quite look the same. Diamonds are birthed from pressure. The most beautiful things, the most beautiful are those that rise from the ashes".
Every time I was down since moving back here I would just keep repeating that last part. Not too long ago it started to get really bad again and it seemed to easy to give up. I wasn't even afraid of where I would go or what would happen to those around me anymore. Weird enough me not being afraid is what made me a little afraid. So I got that tattooed on me. I got "The most beautiful things are those that rise from the ashes". Before that I got a phoenix (it looks better than it sounds and "Still I rise;" above it on my ribs. It was a combination of her quote and of Maya Angelou who passed away. She was my all time favorite writer and greatly inspired me. It is a little reminder that I will keep finding ways to be happy.
Even though I don't talk to this friend anymore she has made a great impact on my life and I am forever thankful. When I am down or stressed or in a dark place I think back to my tattoos. I remember that when I got them I was happy and I had a reason to love and appreciate my being and life. So even if no one else on this planet cares what happens to me, I know that the beautiful, happy, and shiny part of me does care and that is all that ever matters.
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