So Strong Yet So Weak

I have been doing better. But for some reason on certain nights I become weaker. I keep crying out in pain because I am fighting, the Lord knows that I am fighting, to stay alive. But I don't think that anyone understands how much pain I am in. I keep thinking about the relief I am going to feel if this was to happen. I don't look both ways when crossing the street. I don't flinch when someone yells out. I don't look over my shoulder when switching lanes. I wait for the bump in the middle of the night to get closer instead of hiding under my blanket.
But this has been going on for a very long time now. So what's the hold up? I think of the idea of being sent to hell for killing myself. I think of my little sisters who have always had an older sister and I don't want them to live without one. I think of the VERY FEW friends that I have that might miss me when I am gone. I think of how much better things will be when I move away. Every single day without fail I think of this amazing life I have with my husband and daughter. I think of the possible excitement that I will miss out on.
But honestly, sometimes I have thoughts about how much my sister and I don't get along. How my father finds every excuse possible to not see me thus not seeing my baby sister. How out of those VERY FEW friends only one is actually my friend and not just a pitty friend. How there is a possibility that there isn't anyone out there capable of loving me. How since people found ways to justify gay relationships and how they aren't going to hell, then maybe people who aren't suppose to be here and decide to remove themselves can make it to Heaven.
I am afraid of myself. Now more than ever I am absolutely terrified of who I am. I am scared that I wont be able to pull myself out of that black hole that I desperately try to stay out of. That the cut will be a little too deep and the rush of blood will be so relaxing that I just want to absorb that calming feeling for a little while.
But I am strong. I know that. I wouldn't do that because for some reason love seems to be my power. Though I don't completely love myself I love those around me way too much to hurt them in such a selfish way. But this fight is hard.

I Almost Slipped!

So remember how I decided to go celibate a month or so ago? Well that was going well until yesterday. Before I continue, I plan on being very open about this topic so no judgment.
Ok. So one of my friends from back when I was in high school contacted me a week ago wanting to hang out. I've known him for over twelve years. We were always cool, never flirted or anything like that. Yesterday, he comes to pick me up and we plan on hanging out at his friend's house because they were having a small get together. We were casually flirting while we made a few stops before we got to the house. Once we got there we all started drinking and smoking. We were all laughing and goofing around having a great time. Moving forward, me and him were sitting on the porch playing games on my phone and he kept leaning closer and closer. I was very resistant at first but then gave in and kissed him. We were making out and everything was fine. The mosquitos started to come out and we went inside. Some of the other people were changing their clothes because they were going to the club, but I had to work in the morning so I was just waiting to leave. Me and the guy were in one of the rooms waiting watching TV. We started making out again which was nice. The kissing was great, and I am not going to lie I was curious to know what else that mouth could do. So we are making out pretty heavy with the door close. His hands are traveling places, and his fingers started to play with things. And it all felt GREAT. But then he started to pull at my pants and I calmly told him that he needed to wait. So he stopped and we continued to make out. But being under the influence really caused me to crave sex. So I started going a little harder with the making out and grinding. His hands and fingers started to explore again. Before you know it his mouth went down under. At this point I was not going to stop him. But then he started to unzip his pants and I sobered up. I explained how things were going too fast and we need to stop since we were not clear headed at the moment. He agreed after he tried to get me to give him oral sex but that was not going to happen. So once he relaxed, we talked and finally left. Everything was cool. He still texted me this morning and everything is good between us. I do not feel bad about the oral sex. But stopping from actual intercourse was hard, I must admit.
In my mind I just kept thinking of the promise I made to myself, and how much it meant to me. I really want to save myself for the right person this time and not just anyone, no matter how long I have known them. This is like a fresh start for me and he just was not the one.