It's Been A Long Time

It has been quite a while since I posted anything on here. I honestly don't know where to start because so much has changed with me. I have had quite a few amazing revelations. Then of course there are still certain things that get me down. I honestly feel like it is this house that I live in.

Remember WAY back in my posts from when I was attending Spelman and I stated how moving back home is going to be my down fall. I think even then I knew how my family was; which I why I decided to move all the way to Georgia in the first place. It's really difficult living with parents that never wanted you and on occasion find subtle ways on reminding you about that. Then also a sibling that couldn't care less about you. So yeah, I still get the panic and anxiety attacks and certain reoccurring thoughts but I have not acted on them and I've made it through. I don't make enough to be on my own right now even though I have two jobs. But that is another story.

One thing that has really helped me get through the time I spent back home is writing and reading. I read anything that would transport me into some fantasy or alternate world. Anything that can captivate my mind within the first two pages I would pretty much read. I write anything from poems, letters, short stories, thoughts, goals, anything.

I think that it is really amazing how much I have grown and learned about myself in the past couple years. I love helping and taking care of other people, so I mentor and tutor 16 hours out of the week (anything to stay out of this house). It is great! Even though I do all that I still don't have many friends out here. Most of the time I am fine with that, I just read or something. I have met many guy friends but in the end their intentions were always something that did not interest me (except for one or two). Plus I always text or video chat with my friends from my original school.

But there is an actual topic I wanted to talk about, It ties in with the title of my blog. I was searching my room for something and found this envelope that was labeled "A Reason to Smile". It contained a letter from a friend of mine from Spelman that I once before considered to be like my older sister. It was the sweetest letter anyone has ever given me. She gave it to me when I was really stressed out when I was struggling to figure out if it would be best for me to stay or to go. She emailed it to me, but I forgot that I printed it out and saved it because I was so afraid that I would lose or delete the email. In the letter she wrote:

"Think about being lost in the woods. You're isolated from all people, all things that may potentially hurt you physically, emotionally, and maybe even spiritually. Being lost implies that one is searching, looking for answers. Luckily, when you know you're lost, there is room to find yourself. Don't be afraid of being lost; embrace it. Don't stay there, but give yourself the time to explore.[...] give yourself time to figure out how the pieces of your life fit together now that they don't quite look the same. Diamonds are birthed from pressure. The most beautiful things, the most beautiful are those that rise from the ashes".

Every time I was down since moving back here I would just keep repeating that last part. Not too long ago it started to get really bad again and it seemed to easy to give up. I wasn't even afraid of where I would go or what would happen to those around me anymore. Weird enough me not being afraid is what made me a little afraid. So I got that tattooed on me. I got "The most beautiful things are those that rise from the ashes". Before that I got a phoenix (it looks better than it sounds and "Still I rise;" above it on my ribs. It was a combination of her quote and of Maya Angelou who passed away. She was my all time favorite writer and greatly inspired me. It is a little reminder that I will keep finding ways to be happy.

Even though I don't talk to this friend anymore she has made a great impact on my life and I am forever thankful. When I am down or stressed or in a dark place I think back to my tattoos. I remember that when I got them I was happy and I had a reason to love and appreciate my being and life. So even if no one else on this planet cares what happens to me, I know that the beautiful, happy, and shiny part of me does care and that is all that ever matters.

Who Doesn't Hate Their Job?

I am doing better guys. I sincerely am. I decided that once the summer semester starts I will go back to counselling. This way I have a little more to look forward to. I am currently in the middle of finals and I am just a tad bit more stressed than usual. I am more concerned with coming out of by anatomy class with a B. Especially since I am taking this crazy class for the second time now. But I just need to finish this research paper first. I don't speak to many of my friends lately, mainly because most of us just have been busy. I actually wanted to fly out to see a few of them, but that's not really possible so hopefully I can figure something out for the summer.

I am currently friends with my ex boyfriend again. I might go into details of that at a later time, but at least now I can look forward to this new found friendship. But I don't think that I want us to be together again.

There is not type of organization to this post. I am just writing to write! So forgive me.

I have a new job as a waitress. Tips are good, I make more money on tips from a few days than I did in an entire week at my other job. Yet it is a lot of work, and extremely tiring. I'm not sure if I can do this for two more years. I think the idea of doing anything for that long is frightening to me. So I try to focus on short term goals.

If everything goes as planned as far as school goes I will be done with this school August 2017. Which is annoying because I could of had my bachelors May 2016. But have to play the hand life gives you. Once I graduate and make money to save up I am moving to Atlanta. I don't even care that most of my friends most likely wont live there anymore. I just really love that city.

I really want to graduate or start the nursing program. At least I can start working where I want to work. So maybe come the start of 2016 I will have a new job somewhere I like. Then can move out in my own apartment or something. I just started but honestly I want a new job. I just can't deal. I miss the days when all I had to worry about was being in college. Man I tell you, if I had a time machine I know EXACTLY where I would go and what I would do. I just really miss being around my friends.

So Strong Yet So Weak

I have been doing better. But for some reason on certain nights I become weaker. I keep crying out in pain because I am fighting, the Lord knows that I am fighting, to stay alive. But I don't think that anyone understands how much pain I am in. I keep thinking about the relief I am going to feel if this was to happen. I don't look both ways when crossing the street. I don't flinch when someone yells out. I don't look over my shoulder when switching lanes. I wait for the bump in the middle of the night to get closer instead of hiding under my blanket.
But this has been going on for a very long time now. So what's the hold up? I think of the idea of being sent to hell for killing myself. I think of my little sisters who have always had an older sister and I don't want them to live without one. I think of the VERY FEW friends that I have that might miss me when I am gone. I think of how much better things will be when I move away. Every single day without fail I think of this amazing life I have with my husband and daughter. I think of the possible excitement that I will miss out on.
But honestly, sometimes I have thoughts about how much my sister and I don't get along. How my father finds every excuse possible to not see me thus not seeing my baby sister. How out of those VERY FEW friends only one is actually my friend and not just a pitty friend. How there is a possibility that there isn't anyone out there capable of loving me. How since people found ways to justify gay relationships and how they aren't going to hell, then maybe people who aren't suppose to be here and decide to remove themselves can make it to Heaven.
I am afraid of myself. Now more than ever I am absolutely terrified of who I am. I am scared that I wont be able to pull myself out of that black hole that I desperately try to stay out of. That the cut will be a little too deep and the rush of blood will be so relaxing that I just want to absorb that calming feeling for a little while.
But I am strong. I know that. I wouldn't do that because for some reason love seems to be my power. Though I don't completely love myself I love those around me way too much to hurt them in such a selfish way. But this fight is hard.

Good Vibes

I know that quite a few of my posts seem depressing. But I don't want people to think that I am always a depressing person. I just tend to write up here when I am having strong emotions. Lately the strongest emotion has been sadness. But this past weekend was amazing. It also gave me new found hope for the future, and more determination than ever to push through and finish school.

This past week was home coming week for my previous school. I really have been missing my friends. The only thing is most of my friends are still at the school, my older sister lives in Oklahoma and a couple of my other friends graduated. Therefore, homecoming would be a perfect way to see them all at once since I can't afford to fly out everywhere.

I hung out with my close friends all weekend. We made so many drinks and went out to parties and what not. Mind you, I haven't seen them since March so I could not stop smiling the whole time. I got to double dutch with an alumna lol, I posted tons of pictures and videos on my social networking accounts...but I guess unless you know who I am you wont be able to see them.

But I'm not going to tell you in great detail everything that happened the entire weekend because that would just take too long. But I will tell you the best and most anticipated part of my weekend. That would be FINALLY seeing my sister. Now it has been 7 whole months since I last scene her ( which is the longest we have been apart since we got close). My plane came in too late for me to see her on Thursday, Friday she was hanging out with her other friends, leaving Saturday.

Saturday was tailgate and there were thousands of people. There were so many people that my phone absolutely sucked and I barely had any service. So I figured that I would bump into her as I walked around with my friends. We are few hours into tailgate and I am drunk; not sloppy drunk but drunk enough. I went to get something to eat and as I walked back to my friends I finally saw her standing there talking to them. I ran over as fast as my little intoxicated legs could and bear hugged her. I was so excited to see her. But I can't completely remember what was said. But I do remember starring at her trying to etch what she looked like into my brain because I really didn't want to forget. But the moment was really brief because she had to run somewhere and I wanted to sit and eat.

I was very content. As it started to get later my friends and I were planning on leaving and going somewhere else. But then I was like, oh snap...I don't remember seeing ****. I was starting to sober up but not fully. So I was telling my friends how I need to find her and they agreed to help look for her really fast. But there were so many people  and before I could take two steps to look for her I started crying (lol). My friends were like, oh shit, this girl doesn't cry in public; we really need to find her.

So we are searching and searching and I start to loose hope. But then I heard someone say "look who it is". Sure enough they found my sister! I don't remember if I ran up to her or not. But all I know is I was hugging her and she was really there. I did not want to let go because this time I was determined to remember this moment. My friends took tons of pictures of this long hug. We talked for a bit, but eventually we had to go our separate ways.

But that was one of my favorite and happiest highlights from this past weekend.

I Need to Let Go

For those of you that always read this blog (but tend not to comment lol) you probably know by now who the three people that were very close to me are. One of them is my ex-boyfriend. Moving back to Connecticut and revisiting my old life I tried to think of how it was that I stayed happy and sane before I moved away. I realized that it was because of my boyfriend at the time. I put so much energy, thought, and love into that relationship that it was easy to forget about all of the bullshit.

We both agreed that when we moved away to college that we would no longer be together and that we would always be friends and always be close with each other. First year of college we would text or call each other every other week because the work load took time away from our free time. October came around and he wanted me to fly up for his homecoming. My mom flew me up but not for that purpose. I was only there for two days and my mom already had me running around talking to my whole family about the amazing Spelman College. I tried so hard to find a way to his school even if it was just to see him but my family wasn't having it. He was very upset which I could understand. But because of his anger he went and had sex with another girl. 

Now, even though I loved him so much, throughout our relationship I did have my reservations with him because he cheated on me a couple times and I did not trust him. It was my idea to break up for school because I knew that if I could not trust him while we were in the same town I would drive myself crazy while we were in different parts of the country. So when he told me that he slept with her out of anger I began to shut him off. We talked a couple times a month. I was so mad that I couldn't even have full conversations with him. I went home for some breaks and I would run into mutual friends. They would tell me to call him, to please call him, because he was a wreck. I was too mad. But I did and he would simply state that he missed me apologize and what not. 

When school was out that summer we hung out quite a few times. We went on dates. We even had sex again. Then school started again and we were back to once a month texting. That winter I found out that I would be transferring back home and to his school nonetheless. I texted him to tell him and there was no reply for a few weeks. Then I got confused about some buildings when I got there and texted him to ask him and their was still no reply. So naturally I got upset and started texting and calling him trying to figure out what was wrong. Finally we got in contact. He said that he has been ignoring me because he just thinks that it is all too much and strange for him. I was upset started crying and he began to feel bad. So he tried to talk to me. He asked about why I changed, how things were and everything. At this point I knew that he recently had a new girlfriend but he is not someone that I want to be in a relationship with. Just to be friends because more than anything he was my friend more than he was my boyfriend. 

I kid you not. Two days went by and he started to ignore me again so I was just like fuck it. Sent him a happy birthday text and he said thanks but I did not receive one a month later. Soon I realized that he blocked me from every social networking site and wouldn't return my calls. So at this point I was really alone and took a trip to GA to see my friends. 

I have not felt hurt like this in a while. It is mainly because I never thought that he, out of all people, would turn his back on me. This is the first time that I understood how easily love could turn into absolute hate. I have cried so many times in 2014 and for so many reasons. But for some reason this has been the most devastating and painful cause. I really am working on improving myself and finding out who I am. This blog has really helped me express all of this. So to my ex-boyfriend, who will remain nameless, I am letting you go. 

Rewriting June 23rd

Before I get into anything, this post is being posted later than I intended. I had to work, do homework, and squeeze in naps. Plus I wanted to make sure I wrote everything that I wanted to. So let's get started.

First I want to start by saying that I have some bad news. But after this everything else is good news, I swear! So remember how I went celibate on May 1st? Well on June 16th that changed. Wait! Let me explain because I promise it will get better. It wasn't by just anyone. It was with the guy that I have been on an on-and-off  "best friends with benefits" thing with for about 6 years. Same guy that got me pregnant a few years ago and that I thought I was head over heals in love with. But at this point I just love him but not enough to move forward. Anyway, I'm not upset about breaking my celibacy because I'm a strong believer in "everything happens for a reason". I needed to feel loved and I needed to be made love to by him. I didn't want casual sex or to just have sex because I couldn't control my hormones. I wanted that slow, face to face, intense stares and smiles, tight embraces type of sex. And that is exactly what I got. I still feel strong and in control because I have said no numerous times before this. Like the guy in the I Almost Slipped post. I said no to him because even though my body was screaming yes, my mind was yelling NO, and my heart was absent. Where as with the guy from the 16th, all three said yes. There was not any hesitation, sadness, or regret. This was not our 1st, 5th, or even 30th time being with each other. It felt right.

Now here is where things changed a little. Mind you, we are both single and have no commitment to each other But while we were talking to each other we talked about so much. Mainly what it would be like if were actually were committed and later on progressed into even more. The funny thing is that he initiated the entire conversation. Now that I do not have extremely strong feelings he wants to try to make it work. But a lot has happened which causes me to back away from committing to him. But that is for another post. So, a couple of days after we were with each other, he was on a social networking site talking about how he is lonely and wishes someone was there with him. A girl comments and they start flirting and end up making plans to for her to go to his house that day. I have known him long enough to know that nothing innocent and harmless results from a girl going to his house. I know we are not together, but it sort of hurt because like I said it has been 6 years and I already have reservations and I do not have time for the games anymore. But I knew a change was going to come.

Like I said I do not regret anything. But I still stand by what I said in my original post on wanting to stay celibate to improve myself. I figured I can't give up because like Aaliyah said, if you fall just dust yourself off and try again (sorry I know that was wack but I was just listening to that song). I really want it to be significant and even more meaningful this time. Then I remembered June 23. It hit me that this was going to be the day that I officially began the change in my life. June 23 2010 was the date that I was raped and the day that changed my life. I figured I don't want this day to always symbolize a tragedy in my life, so why not make it meaning something beautiful? In the past every time this day came around or when I thought of this date I went into complete darkness. Like back in college when my friends thought I was raped but I was just reminded of this day by someone who was pushing up on me. Usually when I start to think about it I quickly change the subject in my mind or find a distraction. When that doesn't work I can not pull my mind away from it until I fall asleep. I start off crying very hard to the point where I have to take my contacts out. My mind goes blank or sometimes I think about how terrible the situation is and become disgusted with myself. Sometimes I my body starts to shake. Like in college on of my friends saw me crying and thought it was a good idea to try to hug me. That small contact made me shake uncontrollably to the point where I think I scared her. Sometimes I notice when people around me are talking or talking to me but it wont process. Then I lay down and try to stay still and alone that way I can try to calm down or sleep. I want this to stop because I do not want this to continue to control my life. So June 23 was the day that someone took away my control, confidence, and sanity and now it is going to mark the day that I took it all back.

Now let me tell you how God blessed me on this day. I woke up very early feeling like I needed something else to change. Remember my friend that I was really close to in college? She was the one that got hurt first semester of last year. I was a terrible friend to her. We made up back in November, but we were still a little distant. I wanted that to change. I wanted to have her close in my life again. So I was up early, before I could even brush my teeth I wrote her everything that was in my heart and I apologized for every thing I've done and did not hold any of my feelings or emotions back. She read it and talked about it. We agreed that it will take a little time but are working to get back to how we use to be. I was so excited and happy to have one of my best friends back. So she is another new event that I can add to this day. Then later on that day I had a job interview. The manager brought me into his office, looked over my resume, and stated that he would love to have me work there. I start in two weeks. I was so high off life that I almost started crying once I walked outside.

These may seem like minor things to you, but they are major to me because for once in four years there was no darkness. June 23 has been written into my life as the day of darkness and sorrow, however June 23, 2014 I rewrote my life.

I Almost Slipped!

So remember how I decided to go celibate a month or so ago? Well that was going well until yesterday. Before I continue, I plan on being very open about this topic so no judgment.
Ok. So one of my friends from back when I was in high school contacted me a week ago wanting to hang out. I've known him for over twelve years. We were always cool, never flirted or anything like that. Yesterday, he comes to pick me up and we plan on hanging out at his friend's house because they were having a small get together. We were casually flirting while we made a few stops before we got to the house. Once we got there we all started drinking and smoking. We were all laughing and goofing around having a great time. Moving forward, me and him were sitting on the porch playing games on my phone and he kept leaning closer and closer. I was very resistant at first but then gave in and kissed him. We were making out and everything was fine. The mosquitos started to come out and we went inside. Some of the other people were changing their clothes because they were going to the club, but I had to work in the morning so I was just waiting to leave. Me and the guy were in one of the rooms waiting watching TV. We started making out again which was nice. The kissing was great, and I am not going to lie I was curious to know what else that mouth could do. So we are making out pretty heavy with the door close. His hands are traveling places, and his fingers started to play with things. And it all felt GREAT. But then he started to pull at my pants and I calmly told him that he needed to wait. So he stopped and we continued to make out. But being under the influence really caused me to crave sex. So I started going a little harder with the making out and grinding. His hands and fingers started to explore again. Before you know it his mouth went down under. At this point I was not going to stop him. But then he started to unzip his pants and I sobered up. I explained how things were going too fast and we need to stop since we were not clear headed at the moment. He agreed after he tried to get me to give him oral sex but that was not going to happen. So once he relaxed, we talked and finally left. Everything was cool. He still texted me this morning and everything is good between us. I do not feel bad about the oral sex. But stopping from actual intercourse was hard, I must admit.
In my mind I just kept thinking of the promise I made to myself, and how much it meant to me. I really want to save myself for the right person this time and not just anyone, no matter how long I have known them. This is like a fresh start for me and he just was not the one.