May I be the 1st to Concent

I sort of have an announcement. I think I started to explain it in the post "Formation of the Ashes" (which I promise to continue on right after I finish with finals). Anyway, I decided to become celibate. I thought about it a few times in the past but never thought about actually doing it. I really got motivated to go celibate when my older sister went celibate. I look up to her a  lot and I thought that going celibate was a great thing. Even though she did not last as long as she wanted to I am still proud of her for making it for as long as she did. ( I have to confess I was sort of hurt that she did not make it the whole way. But she is still a strong woman). OK back to me.

So I want to try to last a year at first, and if I make it that far then possibly another year. If I make it to that point then I want to go all the way until I complete finish school including graduate school. I have friends who have yet to have sex and I admire them so much.

Now lets get to why I want to do this. If I could turn back the hands of time to about four years ago then I would so have waited. The first person I had sex with I completely regretted for numerous reasons and I felt completely empty inside after. The guy that I intended to sleep with for the first time was great. He is the close guy friend that I mentioned in the last post. But sex with him was so great that I did not realize how bad we were for each other. Just because the sex is good does not mean you should be with that person. Soon we just began using each other for sex. This got messy because our feelings always got thrown into the mix and there were a lot of other factors involved. Four years later, I realize that I do not ever want to be with him. The problem is that when I had sex with someone that was not him, I did not like it because there was always this intense emotion that was connect to sex with him that I did not have with anyone else. I don't know...I don't really enjoy it. I have gotten to the point where I do not connect emotion to it at all and I just do it for the relief of stress or personal pleasure. However, sometimes I feel like sh*t afterwards.

Another reason is that I want to regain control over my life and develop my own sense of power. I never felt as if I had control over my life and that always bothered me. ( I will talk about this more in a later post).  I feel like that it is kind of changing me for the worst. Lately I have been trying to find myself and I do not need to start changing negatively causing me to become even more lost. I want to have that power and strength and beauty. I see myself as a rare and unique breed that not everyone is deserving of. I use to be so hard on myself when I had sex with someone that was not the main guy (I hope I am not being confusing BTW because I honestly do not know how to refer to him without naming names). Sometimes I would get intense anxiety attacks or cry for hours or just try to block off all thought going on in my head. It's crazy I know, but that is why I am trying to fix it now.

When I do decided to have sex again I want it to be my choice. I want it to be with a guy that understands and that I am in love with. Not someone who's focus is just on one thing.

So, this journey is going to start May 1st! I wanted a date that I could easily remember. Also, I recently had sex with a person from school and I just wanted this to really by my choice. I did not want it to be a sudden impulsive thing. It is an certain date that is planned, that is welcomed, and that I am anticipating.

I will keep you updated (who ever you are that always view this blog). I am not sure how many people actually stop and read this stuff or are just passing through in search of a different blog. But to those who actually read this, I thank you. Like I mentioned before, I do not have many people that I feel secure enough to talk to about this. Or people that would actually care. So when I see an increase in my view count for this blog it really warms my heart. So thank you for not making me feel like I am alone

I Need Help

If there is a future me, I wish that she could come back and tell me what to do. Tell me that everything is going to work out and be ok. That one day I will be happy and one day I wont hurt anymore. She is the only one that can help me. Because right now I cant stop crying. I can't see my future. I don't even know if I care about my future. Right now I just hurt and I feel empty. I have no one. Absolutely no one. I don't know if you know how that feels but it is the worst feeling that I could've ever imagined.

Ok I am taking a few deep breaths because I realize how suicidal this all sounds. I should have woke up for church today.

Ever since 2010 I only had three people in my life that ( I thought ) cared about me. One was a boyfriend, one was my best friend since middle school, and the other was a close friend that I met first year of high school and we messed around a lot. With him we argue a lot and I am over him. He chose other people over me so we aren't even really friends right now. We communicate but we are very distant. He has a girlfriend now, which is cool. I don't ever want him as more than a friend. But currently I have been feeling very alone and all I have wanted was to have him as a friend. but that is not really working. My bestfriend lives in Ohio. We are always busy and we never have time to talk to each other but I still love her. The ex boyfriend...we were cool up until I moved back to this state. We broke up before I went to college because I was going to be so far away. But we still talked when we could as friends. I moved back here in December and went to the school that he went to. The change was very last minute. I told him before I even got here but never got a reply.

That leads into the main reason why I'm feeling like this. I've been trying to communicate with him and he has been ignoring me. We finally talked on the phone he apologized and we caught up a little. The next day he blocked me from everything. I was hurt more than ever. He came to visit the school a week or two ago. I ran into him early in the morning in the café. Literally 3 feet away from each other. I was so hurt, sad, and mad I couldn't speak. I just shook my head and walked away. But lately I've missed his friendship. I deleted his number a while ago. So I mentioned him on twitter saying hey can we talk. He continued tweeting other people and posting tweets. Ignoring me. It jus really really hurt because he was one of m best friends. I have been hurting for a long time and he was always the one to make me feel better and now he is the one hurting me. I tried calling y bestfriend numerous times and she didn't answer. I called my other guy friend that I mentioned but he told me to stop calling bc he is with his girlfriend. and I have no one else. I have no family to talk to. my friend from my other school..i love them but I wouldn't call them for this I am very out of breath and tired and weak and hot and I do not know what else to do. I honestly think that I am going to have another anxiety attack. I just cant deal. I need help and I know that posting it here wont help. bc no one sees this anyway. but this it the only outlet that I have right now

Formation of the Ashes

A major part of my secret life deals with my intimate and sexual personal life. There are a few things that makes this such a big secret and big deal for me. From the people who know, the people I have had sex with, and why I have had sex with them. Even what happens when I am done having sex with certain people.

It's crazy because I just started writing and already I am starting to feel uneasy about this post. My heart is beating uncontrollably and tears are building up in my eyes. I have this desire to call someone right now just to get my mind off of this subject. But it is something that I want and need to do. I need to get this out. And this blog (even though no one views this) is my outlet.

I started having sex the summer of 2010 during which I was still in high school. I never told anyone in my family, except for my cousin who was the same age me. I never told my family for a few reasons. One was because my mother and I were not close what so ever. We were too close in age and argued more than the average. Many harsh words would launch from her mouth at the smallest problems. As I would stand there and take it her words stabbed me like daggers every time. Over time the relationship faded and I distanced myself from her. She was not a person that I trusted with my information and not someone that I felt comfortable around. Another reason why I did not go to my family was because every single woman from my grandmother down has had a child before they turn 19 years old. I was seen as the "golden child" of the family. I had amazing grades, I was quiet, respectful, kind to everyone, took classes and interned at Yale. They constantly placed me on a pedestal. I am so worried about protecting other people and their emotions that I could not bring myself to tell them about it. Even until this day they all think that I am a virgin, I still do not have the courage to tell them otherwise. Especially because too many questions will cause them to dig deep into this secret life.

Let me take you a little further into this summer. You know how people say if you keep knocking then someone is bound to answer? Well, I kept knocking on the door of the devil and that summer he answered and I almost walked inside. Now I have told a couple people about this summer once I moved away to college. But there were certain things that I lied about because I was ashamed. But this is the complete truth.

Let me start off at the beginning. Once it started to get warm, I would sneak to my friend's house. Me and him were always very close. We knew all about each other. Actually we have been really close up until about a month ago when I had to cut him off completely. But that is something for another post. But he knew that I was a virgin so when I would go to his house we would not have penetrative sex ( I guess you can call it). He was not a virgin by any means. I appreciate that he would not try to take advantage of me or do anything that I did not want to do. We would have oral sex he would perform on me. I don't remember if I did it to him at this time and I don't want to lie. There was a lot of touching, feeling, and groping going on. The one problem was that he was two years older than me, graduating and had a girlfriend. Both him and the girlfriend went to my high school.

Now it was the middle of June and it was the day of his senior trip. I planned on losing my virginity to him. He said that he wasn't going on his trip so at the end of the day we would just go to his house if I was sure. Me and him talked to each other and flirted but yet I think that my feelings were stronger. I was sitting downstairs ready, excited, and nervous. Then I looked out of the window as I waited and saw him get on the bus with his girlfriend hand in hand. I was so hurt. I think that I just wanted attention.

I knew that there was this one guy from school who liked me. I hung out with him once before and it seemed ok even though he tried to have sex but I turned him down. I was so desperate for attention that I texted him asked if I could come over and the next thing you know I was on the city bus to his house. This is the hard part because to be honest I do not know what to call what happened next. I went over there and he had two friends downstairs. We walked passed them and went upstairs (Sign
#1). We were sitting upstairs and just talking. Everything was fine. But something was screaming at me to go home, to just get up and make an excuse to leave. But I sat there. Then he laid down and continued talking. I thought, that there was no harm in laying down so I went to do so. Then he said in order to lay down I have to take my pants off (Sign #2). You would think that I would have said no. But in the back of my mind I thought that there could be nothing wrong with this. He dated a couple of my friends and I never heard anything bad about him. He was the star basketball player and everyone loved him. So do you know what I did? I took my pants off and I laid there. It was ok for a second, everything was calm. But then he flipped over on me and started grabbing at my clothes. He attempted to kiss me but it just felt like a dead skull being rubbed against my face. I pushed him away and he stopped. But words did not come out of my mouth. He went back on me but I moved away. I thought he got the hint because he got up and walked to the other side of the room. I sat there and rubbed my face. What the fuck was I doing? But I did not move. I did not grab my pants. I did not try to leave. Everything was happening too fast and I did not know what to do. But then I watched him lock the door (Sign #3). I looked over for my stuff. Time for that excuse to leave. In my mind I had all of my stuff in my hand but I can't remember for the life of me how my body failed to move. Then he walked over to the bed with an animal like pace and got back on me. I turned my head and told him to "wait" I felt his face crush my mouth and I told him to "chill". It was too late because I could not move from under him and I gave up the fight. I let my eyes glaze over and tried really hard not to scream because that would only verify what was happening. After I while he got up and asked for a condom. I did not move for a long while, I just laid there fighting back every emotion. I think that moment was when I learned to hold my emotions in. Then he left the room. I think to ask his friends for one. But I grabbed my stuff and ran to the bathroom. He came knocking at the door and asked if I was alright and he will be in his room. I could not look in the mirror. I just put my clothes on and ran outside to catch the bus. I rode the two hour bus ride completely dead on the inside. I had absolutely no thoughts, no words, no emotions. I did not go back to school after that day because finals were over and I did not need to. The boy also transferred schools that summer.

To this day I do not know what to call what happened. The few people that I told of the situation, I said that I was raped. Only because that is exactly what it felt like. But thinking back I don't know what it was.

I did not want to remember that as my first time. So a couple weeks after I had sex with my friend who had the girlfriend. A few days after he asked about my virginity and I told him what happened. He thought I lied about it and that I was a hoe. He did not believe me and he did not talk to me for days. The person that I am now would have left him alone right then. But I literally had no one. And he was the closest to something. So I tried my best to please him. I think that he knew that as well. He would talk to me when he felt like it and I would accept that. I would travel just to go to his house and have sex with him. We did not use protection and soon after I got pregnant. I never took a test but my period was late by two months. I told him and he denied it, told me to "kill it". And said that he refused to talk to me until I got an abortion. At that point I thought that I could do it on my own. So I had a plan to run away and fend for myself like on the Gilmore Girls. It was going to be me and my baby. I thought at least now I have someone who could love me. But do not get me wrong I was panicking and crying every night until I determined that I was pregnant. I looked up was to self abort but I was not going to do that. I went to an amusement park for a friend's birthday. I got on rides. And I felt the worse pain I have ever felt in my entire life. The bleeding was much more than an average period. As I sat in the bathroom I knew. I had my father pick me up and bring me home. I showered, went to my bed and stayed there.

Besides the one "friend" no one knew. I felt empty and depressed. I wanted to die and I thought that I was ready. I tried to drown myself and it didn't work, I tried to suffocate myself, and it didn't work and I started to talk to the wrong group of people. I started to talk to local guys online some were even in there late twenties. I had video chats with them, sent pictures of certain things to one, sexted. I did not care about the consequences. I was still sneaking to have sex with my "friend". I planned on meeting up with one of the guys. But my mom stopped me and we had this argument about how I was acting. I lost myself and I stayed lost for years. I started to change when I found a boyfriend and was able to focus. But once he cheated I learned that I still had no one and I could not trust anyone.
I realize that this post is already extremely long. I did not even get into my main point. I am going to post this and continue with an additional post at a later date.

The Dark Side of the Moon

I am going back to my home state for what seems like a very longtime. I am transferring schools because of the lack of a certain major at my original school. I have a mixture of feelings in regards to this change. I am happy and excited because after I graduate from this school I should have a profession and make a decent amount of money. Also, I know longer have the stress and pressure of becoming a doctor. I might also be able to study a little more because I will not have anyone to annoy. I will not have people to talk to, confide in, people to hang out with and stay up late talking crazy with and dancing to ratchet music. I will not have anyone around to hold my attention and help me appreciate the little things. It is not because it’s a new school, because I don’t have friends at this school. It's not that I am not willing to make new friends. It is because I know everyone at this school already. They are the same people from high school. The same people who hated me. People that would talk about my hair, clothes, my social life. People that will judge me and laugh at me before asking what was wrong or even how I was feeling. These people have caused an undesirable feeling to reside within me, that tends to take control every time I step foot in this state. This is where the negative feelings come into play. I am leaving behind the first real friends I ever had. The first group of people who actually loved me from the beginning and whole heartedly cared about me. I feel safe and at home when I am around these friends. Now I am leaving. I know that we were going to have to separate eventually because as everyone graduates and move on and away to different parts of the country or whatever the case may be. But it was not supposed to happen this soon. I was not supposed to leave right now. I knew that it I would leave soon. But I thought that I would have another semester to find a different school that was not in this state. If I left at the end of the school year then I would be more prepared for the change and I would have a plan. The worst part about it is that I left for the holiday break holding onto the possibility that I would be returning in three weeks. Not even a week into the vacation that hope was shot with the delivery of that package.

Now I am partially at fault. I tend to let my emotions take the lead. I get mad, upset, and overwhelmed so easily then I try to find a way to run away from that feeling. I also have a bad habit of calling my mother when things are bad. Just because I expect some type of advice or positive encouragement. Even though that is not what I always receive I still continue to call. Sometimes I attach on to the negative emotions that were sometimes healed by the wrong things said and ran with it. That’s how this application got sent in. When I realized that I had made a mistake it was too late. I am also upset because made family just wanted me back up state which is understandable because they are family but at the same time it is extremely selfish. So when I was swimming in this pool of negativity they decided to use that against me to get what they want rather than think of the best solution for the situation. I could major in something else and still become a nurse which I had to figure out on my own. Meaning I could have stayed at this school. But it is too late because I already withdrew.

 I have been able to put up a front for about 95% of the people that know me. I have secrets that have a lot to do with this state and certain people. These secrets have controlled my life for quite some time. I was never able to exhale or sleep comfortably, my mind was never at rest. Going away to college helped me release a new part of me. A part of me that I never knew existed. The negative part of me was still present however it was beginning to help me grow stronger. I was actually happy and I was not alone on this new journey. I developed a family that understood me and was there for me. Even though I had some friends that were there for me more than others, they were all there.  Back in my state no one understands me the way that the friends at school do; not even my actual family. It is annoying because I am being sent back to this place. It is crazy because I watched this show that described this place perfectly. It is a place where people try to convince you that you are not alone and that you have something to live for. It is also a place where people let you down, people hurt you, and people lie. They do not see any harm in this and they do not understand because “they don’t live on the dark side of the moon”. But the one thing that I have carried with my from both parts of the moon were my eyes. Extremely sad eyes that I cannot hide no matter how strong I become. Once again, I am at fault. I have to make the decision to be happy. I have to find a way to be happy. I am determined to find this happiness. I found it within a lot of my friends. But now I need to find it within myself. The journey for this may be long but I am willing to fight for it. Because I kept getting glimpses of that happiness and from where I am standing it is the best thing in the world. Even if I hate this school a dread being there for the next 2-3 years, even if I resent certain family members, even if I end up going months or years without seeing my friends I know everything will be ok because I am going to be happy somehow.

I Am THANKFUL for...

...The family that has always been there for me

...My mother who sacrificed everything to take care of me

...My little sisters that I love with everything inside

...The friends I have made

...My Bestfriend of 7(?) years who loves & understands me (vise versa)

...My dad and my father 

...My older sister that I look up to love and adore 

...The hard times that make me appreciate the good times

...The memories from those good times

...My strength

...My ability to love

...My life

-HAPPY THANKSGIVING 

"So Unsure of This Skin I've Slinked In"

My heart is tired. The wall around it is weighing heavy not only on my heart but on my soul. No matter how many times I exhale, the literal pain will not go away. It's that feeling that you have when you are really sad/frustrated/angry/tired/mad but you are not expressing your emotions. You are holding everything in and it is pounding at your chest, waiting to be set free. But for me there is not an exit. I have not found one yet. This all really hurts. Nothing is helping. I am still desperately fighting against this pain. Crying isn't helping anymore. I am just so tired. I just want to scream, have a rush, do something to feel normal again. The quiet sounds are not safe. My soul is VERY strong...but my heart is weak. ...What is wrong with me?

When Will I Be Me?

I do not receive many views on my blogs, which I am fine with. The only time anyone ever comes across this is when they are searching for me. If you feel strongly enough towards me to actually search for me then you deserve to read this and all of my other blogs and learn a little about me. My blogs may not be grammatically correct and they may not make sense. But that is fine because I am just rambling and I am not an English major.

At least I know that about myself. I know at least one thing about myself which is more than some people in this world. Some people live their lives without knowing anything about themselves, but I know that I am not always capable of expressing myself in the ways that I should. As people grow into adulthood they are suppose to learn more about who they are. But somewhere down the road I was detoured and I got lost. I forgot who I am. I do not know who I really am and I do not know how to get back to that person. I lost myself and I do not know how to find her. I have gone too far off course and I can't find my way back. I honestly think that that Kenya is somewhere gone daydreaming about what use to be and all of the happy moments that made up her life. Where ever she is right now she is enjoying her life because that is the type of person she is. She makes the best of every situation. She cares about everyone and everything no matter what. She lives to please others and she is a strong young woman that is Heaven sent. She sometime make people unhappy but it is never on purpose. She sees the best in everything and everyone no matter what they have done. She does  not let people hurt her but she is open to whomever cares. She lets people help her. All of this is why I am not afraid for her, I am not afraid that she is no longer with me because she is strong and safe.

However, I am sad because she has seemed to have left me all alone and sometimes I wish that she was back here with me. But I would not want anyone to tamper with her strong being. Right now I feel all alone. I have felt alone for a very long time. My heart grew cold and I do not let people in. I do not want to bring people down with me because I would never wish my sorrows onto any other person. Most people came here for an education. But I came here to find someone anyone to help me. For once in a very long time I have felt like a new and better person. Though the sorrow tends to sneak up on me sometimes I still felt brand new. I felt stronger. I have met some amazing people and done things and I lived. I started to figure out who I am. I started to open up to people but not completely. I have not figured out how to do that yet. Somehow after being here for one and a half academic years I have found and lost friends that I became close to, friends that I have fun with, friends that make me happy. I have been lied to by friends and I have been taken advantage of. I have come across people who swear that they gave a damn about me. Some did and some did not. But I did not let that bother me. I have been a lone for so long that it does not bother me too much. I have found an older sister. An older sister that I adore and look up to. One that seems like she cares but I still can not tell yet. She could be just like every other person that I have met, but I am now hopeful and I hope that she is different. I have found brothers and older brothers that also care and are willing to help and protect me. Yet I do not care anymore. I stopped listening to promises that will inevitably be broken. I have family that loves me but they only seen a part of my life and that is all that I want them to see. They do not know this Kenya they know the other Kenya and they think that she is still here  but she is not. They see her so I have to put on her mask and play pretend.

Now it is time for me to go and I am afraid. I am afraid because my heart started to thaw out and now it is freezing back. I am leaving all of these people to go back to a life that ran the other Kenya away. I am not strong there, I am not happy there because I am alone. No one knows this Kenya and no one understands this Kenya. I am afraid of this loneliness because it is a darkness that I can not control. In this darkness I have lost a lot of things and if I go back I am not sure what else I may lose. I have already started to distance myself from this new family because it will make it easier to leave them behind. The new institution contains the people that think the worst of me without knowing me. People that stomp me down even further. No one understands the pain that I felt. I am strong enough to fight off this pain but it is about to be a long and tiresome war.

I have grown accustomed to blocking people out because it hurts when they forget about me. This time it may be a little harder because I have never had people like these before. I am going to miss my friends and my brothers and I am really going to miss my older sister. I have always wanted an older sister. Someone to help me and just listen. Someone to just be there to talk to or talk at even if they aren't really listening, someone to be that light. I am leaving them. This time leaving hurts. I do not want to go back but I have to. My mother told me that "these people" do not care about me. She tried to make me believe that they are not true and that they are not real. She says that I am too emotional and too attached. And that it is blocking my judgement. She says that I have not grown enough to realize that there are bad people in this world. But I know what is real and true. I know how to identify these bad people though my judgement may sometimes get in the way. I have stared these evil people in the eyes numerous times over the past four years. But just to help me keep my sanity I am leaving with her words in mind. It is easier to forget people who do not care. The lost Kenya would take a different approach but she isn't here. According to my mother I have to do what I have to do. But I am afraid.