I Need to Let Go

For those of you that always read this blog (but tend not to comment lol) you probably know by now who the three people that were very close to me are. One of them is my ex-boyfriend. Moving back to Connecticut and revisiting my old life I tried to think of how it was that I stayed happy and sane before I moved away. I realized that it was because of my boyfriend at the time. I put so much energy, thought, and love into that relationship that it was easy to forget about all of the bullshit.

We both agreed that when we moved away to college that we would no longer be together and that we would always be friends and always be close with each other. First year of college we would text or call each other every other week because the work load took time away from our free time. October came around and he wanted me to fly up for his homecoming. My mom flew me up but not for that purpose. I was only there for two days and my mom already had me running around talking to my whole family about the amazing Spelman College. I tried so hard to find a way to his school even if it was just to see him but my family wasn't having it. He was very upset which I could understand. But because of his anger he went and had sex with another girl. 

Now, even though I loved him so much, throughout our relationship I did have my reservations with him because he cheated on me a couple times and I did not trust him. It was my idea to break up for school because I knew that if I could not trust him while we were in the same town I would drive myself crazy while we were in different parts of the country. So when he told me that he slept with her out of anger I began to shut him off. We talked a couple times a month. I was so mad that I couldn't even have full conversations with him. I went home for some breaks and I would run into mutual friends. They would tell me to call him, to please call him, because he was a wreck. I was too mad. But I did and he would simply state that he missed me apologize and what not. 

When school was out that summer we hung out quite a few times. We went on dates. We even had sex again. Then school started again and we were back to once a month texting. That winter I found out that I would be transferring back home and to his school nonetheless. I texted him to tell him and there was no reply for a few weeks. Then I got confused about some buildings when I got there and texted him to ask him and their was still no reply. So naturally I got upset and started texting and calling him trying to figure out what was wrong. Finally we got in contact. He said that he has been ignoring me because he just thinks that it is all too much and strange for him. I was upset started crying and he began to feel bad. So he tried to talk to me. He asked about why I changed, how things were and everything. At this point I knew that he recently had a new girlfriend but he is not someone that I want to be in a relationship with. Just to be friends because more than anything he was my friend more than he was my boyfriend. 

I kid you not. Two days went by and he started to ignore me again so I was just like fuck it. Sent him a happy birthday text and he said thanks but I did not receive one a month later. Soon I realized that he blocked me from every social networking site and wouldn't return my calls. So at this point I was really alone and took a trip to GA to see my friends. 

I have not felt hurt like this in a while. It is mainly because I never thought that he, out of all people, would turn his back on me. This is the first time that I understood how easily love could turn into absolute hate. I have cried so many times in 2014 and for so many reasons. But for some reason this has been the most devastating and painful cause. I really am working on improving myself and finding out who I am. This blog has really helped me express all of this. So to my ex-boyfriend, who will remain nameless, I am letting you go.