I do not receive many views on my blogs, which I am fine with. The only time anyone ever comes across this is when they are searching for me. If you feel strongly enough towards me to actually search for me then you deserve to read this and all of my other blogs and learn a little about me. My blogs may not be grammatically correct and they may not make sense. But that is fine because I am just rambling and I am not an English major.
At least I know that about myself. I know at least one thing about myself which is more than some people in this world. Some people live their lives without knowing anything about themselves, but I know that I am not always capable of expressing myself in the ways that I should. As people grow into adulthood they are suppose to learn more about who they are. But somewhere down the road I was detoured and I got lost. I forgot who I am. I do not know who I really am and I do not know how to get back to that person. I lost myself and I do not know how to find her. I have gone too far off course and I can't find my way back. I honestly think that that Kenya is somewhere gone daydreaming about what use to be and all of the happy moments that made up her life. Where ever she is right now she is enjoying her life because that is the type of person she is. She makes the best of every situation. She cares about everyone and everything no matter what. She lives to please others and she is a strong young woman that is Heaven sent. She sometime make people unhappy but it is never on purpose. She sees the best in everything and everyone no matter what they have done. She does not let people hurt her but she is open to whomever cares. She lets people help her. All of this is why I am not afraid for her, I am not afraid that she is no longer with me because she is strong and safe.
However, I am sad because she has seemed to have left me all alone and sometimes I wish that she was back here with me. But I would not want anyone to tamper with her strong being. Right now I feel all alone. I have felt alone for a very long time. My heart grew cold and I do not let people in. I do not want to bring people down with me because I would never wish my sorrows onto any other person. Most people came here for an education. But I came here to find someone anyone to help me. For once in a very long time I have felt like a new and better person. Though the sorrow tends to sneak up on me sometimes I still felt brand new. I felt stronger. I have met some amazing people and done things and I lived. I started to figure out who I am. I started to open up to people but not completely. I have not figured out how to do that yet. Somehow after being here for one and a half academic years I have found and lost friends that I became close to, friends that I have fun with, friends that make me happy. I have been lied to by friends and I have been taken advantage of. I have come across people who swear that they gave a damn about me. Some did and some did not. But I did not let that bother me. I have been a lone for so long that it does not bother me too much. I have found an older sister. An older sister that I adore and look up to. One that seems like she cares but I still can not tell yet. She could be just like every other person that I have met, but I am now hopeful and I hope that she is different. I have found brothers and older brothers that also care and are willing to help and protect me. Yet I do not care anymore. I stopped listening to promises that will inevitably be broken. I have family that loves me but they only seen a part of my life and that is all that I want them to see. They do not know this Kenya they know the other Kenya and they think that she is still here but she is not. They see her so I have to put on her mask and play pretend.
Now it is time for me to go and I am afraid. I am afraid because my heart started to thaw out and now it is freezing back. I am leaving all of these people to go back to a life that ran the other Kenya away. I am not strong there, I am not happy there because I am alone. No one knows this Kenya and no one understands this Kenya. I am afraid of this loneliness because it is a darkness that I can not control. In this darkness I have lost a lot of things and if I go back I am not sure what else I may lose. I have already started to distance myself from this new family because it will make it easier to leave them behind. The new institution contains the people that think the worst of me without knowing me. People that stomp me down even further. No one understands the pain that I felt. I am strong enough to fight off this pain but it is about to be a long and tiresome war.
I have grown accustomed to blocking people out because it hurts when they forget about me. This time it may be a little harder because I have never had people like these before. I am going to miss my friends and my brothers and I am really going to miss my older sister. I have always wanted an older sister. Someone to help me and just listen. Someone to just be there to talk to or talk at even if they aren't really listening, someone to be that light. I am leaving them. This time leaving hurts. I do not want to go back but I have to. My mother told me that "these people" do not care about me. She tried to make me believe that they are not true and that they are not real. She says that I am too emotional and too attached. And that it is blocking my judgement. She says that I have not grown enough to realize that there are bad people in this world. But I know what is real and true. I know how to identify these bad people though my judgement may sometimes get in the way. I have stared these evil people in the eyes numerous times over the past four years. But just to help me keep my sanity I am leaving with her words in mind. It is easier to forget people who do not care. The lost Kenya would take a different approach but she isn't here. According to my mother I have to do what I have to do. But I am afraid.
