So Strong Yet So Weak

I have been doing better. But for some reason on certain nights I become weaker. I keep crying out in pain because I am fighting, the Lord knows that I am fighting, to stay alive. But I don't think that anyone understands how much pain I am in. I keep thinking about the relief I am going to feel if this was to happen. I don't look both ways when crossing the street. I don't flinch when someone yells out. I don't look over my shoulder when switching lanes. I wait for the bump in the middle of the night to get closer instead of hiding under my blanket.
But this has been going on for a very long time now. So what's the hold up? I think of the idea of being sent to hell for killing myself. I think of my little sisters who have always had an older sister and I don't want them to live without one. I think of the VERY FEW friends that I have that might miss me when I am gone. I think of how much better things will be when I move away. Every single day without fail I think of this amazing life I have with my husband and daughter. I think of the possible excitement that I will miss out on.
But honestly, sometimes I have thoughts about how much my sister and I don't get along. How my father finds every excuse possible to not see me thus not seeing my baby sister. How out of those VERY FEW friends only one is actually my friend and not just a pitty friend. How there is a possibility that there isn't anyone out there capable of loving me. How since people found ways to justify gay relationships and how they aren't going to hell, then maybe people who aren't suppose to be here and decide to remove themselves can make it to Heaven.
I am afraid of myself. Now more than ever I am absolutely terrified of who I am. I am scared that I wont be able to pull myself out of that black hole that I desperately try to stay out of. That the cut will be a little too deep and the rush of blood will be so relaxing that I just want to absorb that calming feeling for a little while.
But I am strong. I know that. I wouldn't do that because for some reason love seems to be my power. Though I don't completely love myself I love those around me way too much to hurt them in such a selfish way. But this fight is hard.

Good Vibes

I know that quite a few of my posts seem depressing. But I don't want people to think that I am always a depressing person. I just tend to write up here when I am having strong emotions. Lately the strongest emotion has been sadness. But this past weekend was amazing. It also gave me new found hope for the future, and more determination than ever to push through and finish school.

This past week was home coming week for my previous school. I really have been missing my friends. The only thing is most of my friends are still at the school, my older sister lives in Oklahoma and a couple of my other friends graduated. Therefore, homecoming would be a perfect way to see them all at once since I can't afford to fly out everywhere.

I hung out with my close friends all weekend. We made so many drinks and went out to parties and what not. Mind you, I haven't seen them since March so I could not stop smiling the whole time. I got to double dutch with an alumna lol, I posted tons of pictures and videos on my social networking accounts...but I guess unless you know who I am you wont be able to see them.

But I'm not going to tell you in great detail everything that happened the entire weekend because that would just take too long. But I will tell you the best and most anticipated part of my weekend. That would be FINALLY seeing my sister. Now it has been 7 whole months since I last scene her ( which is the longest we have been apart since we got close). My plane came in too late for me to see her on Thursday, Friday she was hanging out with her other friends, leaving Saturday.

Saturday was tailgate and there were thousands of people. There were so many people that my phone absolutely sucked and I barely had any service. So I figured that I would bump into her as I walked around with my friends. We are few hours into tailgate and I am drunk; not sloppy drunk but drunk enough. I went to get something to eat and as I walked back to my friends I finally saw her standing there talking to them. I ran over as fast as my little intoxicated legs could and bear hugged her. I was so excited to see her. But I can't completely remember what was said. But I do remember starring at her trying to etch what she looked like into my brain because I really didn't want to forget. But the moment was really brief because she had to run somewhere and I wanted to sit and eat.

I was very content. As it started to get later my friends and I were planning on leaving and going somewhere else. But then I was like, oh snap...I don't remember seeing ****. I was starting to sober up but not fully. So I was telling my friends how I need to find her and they agreed to help look for her really fast. But there were so many people  and before I could take two steps to look for her I started crying (lol). My friends were like, oh shit, this girl doesn't cry in public; we really need to find her.

So we are searching and searching and I start to loose hope. But then I heard someone say "look who it is". Sure enough they found my sister! I don't remember if I ran up to her or not. But all I know is I was hugging her and she was really there. I did not want to let go because this time I was determined to remember this moment. My friends took tons of pictures of this long hug. We talked for a bit, but eventually we had to go our separate ways.

But that was one of my favorite and happiest highlights from this past weekend.