I have been doing better. But for some reason on certain nights I become weaker. I keep crying out in pain because I am fighting, the Lord knows that I am fighting, to stay alive. But I don't think that anyone understands how much pain I am in. I keep thinking about the relief I am going to feel if this was to happen. I don't look both ways when crossing the street. I don't flinch when someone yells out. I don't look over my shoulder when switching lanes. I wait for the bump in the middle of the night to get closer instead of hiding under my blanket.
But this has been going on for a very long time now. So what's the hold up? I think of the idea of being sent to hell for killing myself. I think of my little sisters who have always had an older sister and I don't want them to live without one. I think of the VERY FEW friends that I have that might miss me when I am gone. I think of how much better things will be when I move away. Every single day without fail I think of this amazing life I have with my husband and daughter. I think of the possible excitement that I will miss out on.
But honestly, sometimes I have thoughts about how much my sister and I don't get along. How my father finds every excuse possible to not see me thus not seeing my baby sister. How out of those VERY FEW friends only one is actually my friend and not just a pitty friend. How there is a possibility that there isn't anyone out there capable of loving me. How since people found ways to justify gay relationships and how they aren't going to hell, then maybe people who aren't suppose to be here and decide to remove themselves can make it to Heaven.
I am afraid of myself. Now more than ever I am absolutely terrified of who I am. I am scared that I wont be able to pull myself out of that black hole that I desperately try to stay out of. That the cut will be a little too deep and the rush of blood will be so relaxing that I just want to absorb that calming feeling for a little while.
But I am strong. I know that. I wouldn't do that because for some reason love seems to be my power. Though I don't completely love myself I love those around me way too much to hurt them in such a selfish way. But this fight is hard.
Thursday, October 23, 2014
Sunday, October 19, 2014
Good Vibes
I know that quite a few of my posts seem depressing. But I don't want people to think that I am always a depressing person. I just tend to write up here when I am having strong emotions. Lately the strongest emotion has been sadness. But this past weekend was amazing. It also gave me new found hope for the future, and more determination than ever to push through and finish school.
This past week was home coming week for my previous school. I really have been missing my friends. The only thing is most of my friends are still at the school, my older sister lives in Oklahoma and a couple of my other friends graduated. Therefore, homecoming would be a perfect way to see them all at once since I can't afford to fly out everywhere.
I hung out with my close friends all weekend. We made so many drinks and went out to parties and what not. Mind you, I haven't seen them since March so I could not stop smiling the whole time. I got to double dutch with an alumna lol, I posted tons of pictures and videos on my social networking accounts...but I guess unless you know who I am you wont be able to see them.
But I'm not going to tell you in great detail everything that happened the entire weekend because that would just take too long. But I will tell you the best and most anticipated part of my weekend. That would be FINALLY seeing my sister. Now it has been 7 whole months since I last scene her ( which is the longest we have been apart since we got close). My plane came in too late for me to see her on Thursday, Friday she was hanging out with her other friends, leaving Saturday.
Saturday was tailgate and there were thousands of people. There were so many people that my phone absolutely sucked and I barely had any service. So I figured that I would bump into her as I walked around with my friends. We are few hours into tailgate and I am drunk; not sloppy drunk but drunk enough. I went to get something to eat and as I walked back to my friends I finally saw her standing there talking to them. I ran over as fast as my little intoxicated legs could and bear hugged her. I was so excited to see her. But I can't completely remember what was said. But I do remember starring at her trying to etch what she looked like into my brain because I really didn't want to forget. But the moment was really brief because she had to run somewhere and I wanted to sit and eat.
I was very content. As it started to get later my friends and I were planning on leaving and going somewhere else. But then I was like, oh snap...I don't remember seeing ****. I was starting to sober up but not fully. So I was telling my friends how I need to find her and they agreed to help look for her really fast. But there were so many people and before I could take two steps to look for her I started crying (lol). My friends were like, oh shit, this girl doesn't cry in public; we really need to find her.
So we are searching and searching and I start to loose hope. But then I heard someone say "look who it is". Sure enough they found my sister! I don't remember if I ran up to her or not. But all I know is I was hugging her and she was really there. I did not want to let go because this time I was determined to remember this moment. My friends took tons of pictures of this long hug. We talked for a bit, but eventually we had to go our separate ways.
But that was one of my favorite and happiest highlights from this past weekend.
This past week was home coming week for my previous school. I really have been missing my friends. The only thing is most of my friends are still at the school, my older sister lives in Oklahoma and a couple of my other friends graduated. Therefore, homecoming would be a perfect way to see them all at once since I can't afford to fly out everywhere.
I hung out with my close friends all weekend. We made so many drinks and went out to parties and what not. Mind you, I haven't seen them since March so I could not stop smiling the whole time. I got to double dutch with an alumna lol, I posted tons of pictures and videos on my social networking accounts...but I guess unless you know who I am you wont be able to see them.
But I'm not going to tell you in great detail everything that happened the entire weekend because that would just take too long. But I will tell you the best and most anticipated part of my weekend. That would be FINALLY seeing my sister. Now it has been 7 whole months since I last scene her ( which is the longest we have been apart since we got close). My plane came in too late for me to see her on Thursday, Friday she was hanging out with her other friends, leaving Saturday.
Saturday was tailgate and there were thousands of people. There were so many people that my phone absolutely sucked and I barely had any service. So I figured that I would bump into her as I walked around with my friends. We are few hours into tailgate and I am drunk; not sloppy drunk but drunk enough. I went to get something to eat and as I walked back to my friends I finally saw her standing there talking to them. I ran over as fast as my little intoxicated legs could and bear hugged her. I was so excited to see her. But I can't completely remember what was said. But I do remember starring at her trying to etch what she looked like into my brain because I really didn't want to forget. But the moment was really brief because she had to run somewhere and I wanted to sit and eat.
I was very content. As it started to get later my friends and I were planning on leaving and going somewhere else. But then I was like, oh snap...I don't remember seeing ****. I was starting to sober up but not fully. So I was telling my friends how I need to find her and they agreed to help look for her really fast. But there were so many people and before I could take two steps to look for her I started crying (lol). My friends were like, oh shit, this girl doesn't cry in public; we really need to find her.
So we are searching and searching and I start to loose hope. But then I heard someone say "look who it is". Sure enough they found my sister! I don't remember if I ran up to her or not. But all I know is I was hugging her and she was really there. I did not want to let go because this time I was determined to remember this moment. My friends took tons of pictures of this long hug. We talked for a bit, but eventually we had to go our separate ways.
But that was one of my favorite and happiest highlights from this past weekend.
Monday, September 15, 2014
I Need to Let Go
For those of you that always read this blog (but tend not to comment lol) you probably know by now who the three people that were very close to me are. One of them is my ex-boyfriend. Moving back to Connecticut and revisiting my old life I tried to think of how it was that I stayed happy and sane before I moved away. I realized that it was because of my boyfriend at the time. I put so much energy, thought, and love into that relationship that it was easy to forget about all of the bullshit.
We both agreed that when we moved away to college that we would no longer be together and that we would always be friends and always be close with each other. First year of college we would text or call each other every other week because the work load took time away from our free time. October came around and he wanted me to fly up for his homecoming. My mom flew me up but not for that purpose. I was only there for two days and my mom already had me running around talking to my whole family about the amazing Spelman College. I tried so hard to find a way to his school even if it was just to see him but my family wasn't having it. He was very upset which I could understand. But because of his anger he went and had sex with another girl.
Now, even though I loved him so much, throughout our relationship I did have my reservations with him because he cheated on me a couple times and I did not trust him. It was my idea to break up for school because I knew that if I could not trust him while we were in the same town I would drive myself crazy while we were in different parts of the country. So when he told me that he slept with her out of anger I began to shut him off. We talked a couple times a month. I was so mad that I couldn't even have full conversations with him. I went home for some breaks and I would run into mutual friends. They would tell me to call him, to please call him, because he was a wreck. I was too mad. But I did and he would simply state that he missed me apologize and what not.
When school was out that summer we hung out quite a few times. We went on dates. We even had sex again. Then school started again and we were back to once a month texting. That winter I found out that I would be transferring back home and to his school nonetheless. I texted him to tell him and there was no reply for a few weeks. Then I got confused about some buildings when I got there and texted him to ask him and their was still no reply. So naturally I got upset and started texting and calling him trying to figure out what was wrong. Finally we got in contact. He said that he has been ignoring me because he just thinks that it is all too much and strange for him. I was upset started crying and he began to feel bad. So he tried to talk to me. He asked about why I changed, how things were and everything. At this point I knew that he recently had a new girlfriend but he is not someone that I want to be in a relationship with. Just to be friends because more than anything he was my friend more than he was my boyfriend.
I kid you not. Two days went by and he started to ignore me again so I was just like fuck it. Sent him a happy birthday text and he said thanks but I did not receive one a month later. Soon I realized that he blocked me from every social networking site and wouldn't return my calls. So at this point I was really alone and took a trip to GA to see my friends.
I have not felt hurt like this in a while. It is mainly because I never thought that he, out of all people, would turn his back on me. This is the first time that I understood how easily love could turn into absolute hate. I have cried so many times in 2014 and for so many reasons. But for some reason this has been the most devastating and painful cause. I really am working on improving myself and finding out who I am. This blog has really helped me express all of this. So to my ex-boyfriend, who will remain nameless, I am letting you go.
Wednesday, June 25, 2014
Rewriting June 23rd
Before I get into anything, this post is being posted later than I intended. I had to work, do homework, and squeeze in naps. Plus I wanted to make sure I wrote everything that I wanted to. So let's get started.
First I want to start by saying that I have some bad news. But after this everything else is good news, I swear! So remember how I went celibate on May 1st? Well on June 16th that changed. Wait! Let me explain because I promise it will get better. It wasn't by just anyone. It was with the guy that I have been on an on-and-off "best friends with benefits" thing with for about 6 years. Same guy that got me pregnant a few years ago and that I thought I was head over heals in love with. But at this point I just love him but not enough to move forward. Anyway, I'm not upset about breaking my celibacy because I'm a strong believer in "everything happens for a reason". I needed to feel loved and I needed to be made love to by him. I didn't want casual sex or to just have sex because I couldn't control my hormones. I wanted that slow, face to face, intense stares and smiles, tight embraces type of sex. And that is exactly what I got. I still feel strong and in control because I have said no numerous times before this. Like the guy in the I Almost Slipped post. I said no to him because even though my body was screaming yes, my mind was yelling NO, and my heart was absent. Where as with the guy from the 16th, all three said yes. There was not any hesitation, sadness, or regret. This was not our 1st, 5th, or even 30th time being with each other. It felt right.
Now here is where things changed a little. Mind you, we are both single and have no commitment to each other But while we were talking to each other we talked about so much. Mainly what it would be like if were actually were committed and later on progressed into even more. The funny thing is that he initiated the entire conversation. Now that I do not have extremely strong feelings he wants to try to make it work. But a lot has happened which causes me to back away from committing to him. But that is for another post. So, a couple of days after we were with each other, he was on a social networking site talking about how he is lonely and wishes someone was there with him. A girl comments and they start flirting and end up making plans to for her to go to his house that day. I have known him long enough to know that nothing innocent and harmless results from a girl going to his house. I know we are not together, but it sort of hurt because like I said it has been 6 years and I already have reservations and I do not have time for the games anymore. But I knew a change was going to come.
Like I said I do not regret anything. But I still stand by what I said in my original post on wanting to stay celibate to improve myself. I figured I can't give up because like Aaliyah said, if you fall just dust yourself off and try again (sorry I know that was wack but I was just listening to that song). I really want it to be significant and even more meaningful this time. Then I remembered June 23. It hit me that this was going to be the day that I officially began the change in my life. June 23 2010 was the date that I was raped and the day that changed my life. I figured I don't want this day to always symbolize a tragedy in my life, so why not make it meaning something beautiful? In the past every time this day came around or when I thought of this date I went into complete darkness. Like back in college when my friends thought I was raped but I was just reminded of this day by someone who was pushing up on me. Usually when I start to think about it I quickly change the subject in my mind or find a distraction. When that doesn't work I can not pull my mind away from it until I fall asleep. I start off crying very hard to the point where I have to take my contacts out. My mind goes blank or sometimes I think about how terrible the situation is and become disgusted with myself. Sometimes I my body starts to shake. Like in college on of my friends saw me crying and thought it was a good idea to try to hug me. That small contact made me shake uncontrollably to the point where I think I scared her. Sometimes I notice when people around me are talking or talking to me but it wont process. Then I lay down and try to stay still and alone that way I can try to calm down or sleep. I want this to stop because I do not want this to continue to control my life. So June 23 was the day that someone took away my control, confidence, and sanity and now it is going to mark the day that I took it all back.
Now let me tell you how God blessed me on this day. I woke up very early feeling like I needed something else to change. Remember my friend that I was really close to in college? She was the one that got hurt first semester of last year. I was a terrible friend to her. We made up back in November, but we were still a little distant. I wanted that to change. I wanted to have her close in my life again. So I was up early, before I could even brush my teeth I wrote her everything that was in my heart and I apologized for every thing I've done and did not hold any of my feelings or emotions back. She read it and talked about it. We agreed that it will take a little time but are working to get back to how we use to be. I was so excited and happy to have one of my best friends back. So she is another new event that I can add to this day. Then later on that day I had a job interview. The manager brought me into his office, looked over my resume, and stated that he would love to have me work there. I start in two weeks. I was so high off life that I almost started crying once I walked outside.
These may seem like minor things to you, but they are major to me because for once in four years there was no darkness. June 23 has been written into my life as the day of darkness and sorrow, however June 23, 2014 I rewrote my life.
First I want to start by saying that I have some bad news. But after this everything else is good news, I swear! So remember how I went celibate on May 1st? Well on June 16th that changed. Wait! Let me explain because I promise it will get better. It wasn't by just anyone. It was with the guy that I have been on an on-and-off "best friends with benefits" thing with for about 6 years. Same guy that got me pregnant a few years ago and that I thought I was head over heals in love with. But at this point I just love him but not enough to move forward. Anyway, I'm not upset about breaking my celibacy because I'm a strong believer in "everything happens for a reason". I needed to feel loved and I needed to be made love to by him. I didn't want casual sex or to just have sex because I couldn't control my hormones. I wanted that slow, face to face, intense stares and smiles, tight embraces type of sex. And that is exactly what I got. I still feel strong and in control because I have said no numerous times before this. Like the guy in the I Almost Slipped post. I said no to him because even though my body was screaming yes, my mind was yelling NO, and my heart was absent. Where as with the guy from the 16th, all three said yes. There was not any hesitation, sadness, or regret. This was not our 1st, 5th, or even 30th time being with each other. It felt right.
Now here is where things changed a little. Mind you, we are both single and have no commitment to each other But while we were talking to each other we talked about so much. Mainly what it would be like if were actually were committed and later on progressed into even more. The funny thing is that he initiated the entire conversation. Now that I do not have extremely strong feelings he wants to try to make it work. But a lot has happened which causes me to back away from committing to him. But that is for another post. So, a couple of days after we were with each other, he was on a social networking site talking about how he is lonely and wishes someone was there with him. A girl comments and they start flirting and end up making plans to for her to go to his house that day. I have known him long enough to know that nothing innocent and harmless results from a girl going to his house. I know we are not together, but it sort of hurt because like I said it has been 6 years and I already have reservations and I do not have time for the games anymore. But I knew a change was going to come.
Like I said I do not regret anything. But I still stand by what I said in my original post on wanting to stay celibate to improve myself. I figured I can't give up because like Aaliyah said, if you fall just dust yourself off and try again (sorry I know that was wack but I was just listening to that song). I really want it to be significant and even more meaningful this time. Then I remembered June 23. It hit me that this was going to be the day that I officially began the change in my life. June 23 2010 was the date that I was raped and the day that changed my life. I figured I don't want this day to always symbolize a tragedy in my life, so why not make it meaning something beautiful? In the past every time this day came around or when I thought of this date I went into complete darkness. Like back in college when my friends thought I was raped but I was just reminded of this day by someone who was pushing up on me. Usually when I start to think about it I quickly change the subject in my mind or find a distraction. When that doesn't work I can not pull my mind away from it until I fall asleep. I start off crying very hard to the point where I have to take my contacts out. My mind goes blank or sometimes I think about how terrible the situation is and become disgusted with myself. Sometimes I my body starts to shake. Like in college on of my friends saw me crying and thought it was a good idea to try to hug me. That small contact made me shake uncontrollably to the point where I think I scared her. Sometimes I notice when people around me are talking or talking to me but it wont process. Then I lay down and try to stay still and alone that way I can try to calm down or sleep. I want this to stop because I do not want this to continue to control my life. So June 23 was the day that someone took away my control, confidence, and sanity and now it is going to mark the day that I took it all back.
Now let me tell you how God blessed me on this day. I woke up very early feeling like I needed something else to change. Remember my friend that I was really close to in college? She was the one that got hurt first semester of last year. I was a terrible friend to her. We made up back in November, but we were still a little distant. I wanted that to change. I wanted to have her close in my life again. So I was up early, before I could even brush my teeth I wrote her everything that was in my heart and I apologized for every thing I've done and did not hold any of my feelings or emotions back. She read it and talked about it. We agreed that it will take a little time but are working to get back to how we use to be. I was so excited and happy to have one of my best friends back. So she is another new event that I can add to this day. Then later on that day I had a job interview. The manager brought me into his office, looked over my resume, and stated that he would love to have me work there. I start in two weeks. I was so high off life that I almost started crying once I walked outside.
These may seem like minor things to you, but they are major to me because for once in four years there was no darkness. June 23 has been written into my life as the day of darkness and sorrow, however June 23, 2014 I rewrote my life.
Saturday, June 7, 2014
I Almost Slipped!
So remember how I decided to go celibate a month or so ago? Well that was going well until yesterday. Before I continue, I plan on being very open about this topic so no judgment.
Ok. So one of my friends from back when I was in high school contacted me a week ago wanting to hang out. I've known him for over twelve years. We were always cool, never flirted or anything like that. Yesterday, he comes to pick me up and we plan on hanging out at his friend's house because they were having a small get together. We were casually flirting while we made a few stops before we got to the house. Once we got there we all started drinking and smoking. We were all laughing and goofing around having a great time. Moving forward, me and him were sitting on the porch playing games on my phone and he kept leaning closer and closer. I was very resistant at first but then gave in and kissed him. We were making out and everything was fine. The mosquitos started to come out and we went inside. Some of the other people were changing their clothes because they were going to the club, but I had to work in the morning so I was just waiting to leave. Me and the guy were in one of the rooms waiting watching TV. We started making out again which was nice. The kissing was great, and I am not going to lie I was curious to know what else that mouth could do. So we are making out pretty heavy with the door close. His hands are traveling places, and his fingers started to play with things. And it all felt GREAT. But then he started to pull at my pants and I calmly told him that he needed to wait. So he stopped and we continued to make out. But being under the influence really caused me to crave sex. So I started going a little harder with the making out and grinding. His hands and fingers started to explore again. Before you know it his mouth went down under. At this point I was not going to stop him. But then he started to unzip his pants and I sobered up. I explained how things were going too fast and we need to stop since we were not clear headed at the moment. He agreed after he tried to get me to give him oral sex but that was not going to happen. So once he relaxed, we talked and finally left. Everything was cool. He still texted me this morning and everything is good between us. I do not feel bad about the oral sex. But stopping from actual intercourse was hard, I must admit.
In my mind I just kept thinking of the promise I made to myself, and how much it meant to me. I really want to save myself for the right person this time and not just anyone, no matter how long I have known them. This is like a fresh start for me and he just was not the one.
Ok. So one of my friends from back when I was in high school contacted me a week ago wanting to hang out. I've known him for over twelve years. We were always cool, never flirted or anything like that. Yesterday, he comes to pick me up and we plan on hanging out at his friend's house because they were having a small get together. We were casually flirting while we made a few stops before we got to the house. Once we got there we all started drinking and smoking. We were all laughing and goofing around having a great time. Moving forward, me and him were sitting on the porch playing games on my phone and he kept leaning closer and closer. I was very resistant at first but then gave in and kissed him. We were making out and everything was fine. The mosquitos started to come out and we went inside. Some of the other people were changing their clothes because they were going to the club, but I had to work in the morning so I was just waiting to leave. Me and the guy were in one of the rooms waiting watching TV. We started making out again which was nice. The kissing was great, and I am not going to lie I was curious to know what else that mouth could do. So we are making out pretty heavy with the door close. His hands are traveling places, and his fingers started to play with things. And it all felt GREAT. But then he started to pull at my pants and I calmly told him that he needed to wait. So he stopped and we continued to make out. But being under the influence really caused me to crave sex. So I started going a little harder with the making out and grinding. His hands and fingers started to explore again. Before you know it his mouth went down under. At this point I was not going to stop him. But then he started to unzip his pants and I sobered up. I explained how things were going too fast and we need to stop since we were not clear headed at the moment. He agreed after he tried to get me to give him oral sex but that was not going to happen. So once he relaxed, we talked and finally left. Everything was cool. He still texted me this morning and everything is good between us. I do not feel bad about the oral sex. But stopping from actual intercourse was hard, I must admit.
In my mind I just kept thinking of the promise I made to myself, and how much it meant to me. I really want to save myself for the right person this time and not just anyone, no matter how long I have known them. This is like a fresh start for me and he just was not the one.
Thursday, May 29, 2014
Turning Nightmares into Dreams
Why do we find ourselves doing the most for people who wouldn't do the same for us? Why do we try to prove ourselves worthy of people who are unworthy? Why do we feign for attention from people who we know could careless? Why are we making fools out of ourselves? What are we looking for in these people?
Well, I think that I know what my answers are. I want someone to love me. I want someone to care and just acknowledge my existence. I never had that. For the past 20 years of my life, people have told me lies, trying to convince me that I was wrong. But at the end of the day they were talking out of their behinds and what they were saying was just a bunch of bull.
My mother was 13 years old when she was pregnant with me. There was not one person in my family who wanted to keep me alive. Now I know that they did not know me and that she was young, but this is where it all began. Some may think, "well your mother clearly didn't go through with it". But her and my father went to planned parenthood, but were scared away by religious protestors. My mother felt like she did not have a choice. I bet that you all are still making excuses for this woman. I did too, until one day when she was yelling at me about something pointless and I actually listened to what she was saying. Then I thought about what she always says when she is taking her anger out at me. Now tell me if a woman who loved her daughter would say the following. Would she remind her of how she could have "killed" me? Would she constantly point out how the younger sibling was the planned one? Would she threaten by saying "I will beat you like a bitch in the street" ( the first time she told me this I was in fourth grade and was taking too long to clean my room) ? And this isn't even half of it. She is nice sometimes. Like when report card time came around and I never had anything lower than a B+ from kindergarten through high school. Or when I was accepting a school award. When I was being filmed for 60 minutes for my internship at Yale University. When I was chosen for National Honor Society. When she needed me to do her homework when she was going for her associates degree. When I was accepted into every single college/university that I applied to, with the exception of Yale. (She talked smack about my intelligence when that letter came in the mail.) Those were the times when she was happy. The only time I remember hugging her was when I was leaving home to go back to Georgia for school after breaks; and I was the one who initiated the hug.
I should not feel weird hugging my mother. I should not expect to be called a bitch and get cursed out every time I hear my name leave her mouth. I should not have been 7 years old, riding the elevator up to our apartment hoping someone can kidnap me before I made it back to my yelling, belt-wielding mother in apartment 312; mad because I did not take out the trash. I should not have thought about all of the things that I have thought about doing to myself just to escape her or this life. But I moved on because I thought that the rest of the people in my family at least had my side. However, I was wrong. My little sister is just like my mother. They look down at me because I do not have money to look as nice as they want me to. I think differently than them and I act differently. They want me when they need help. Then talk about me to the rest of my family and their friends the part of the time. I sit in this house and let them say whatever they want. They complain when I ask them for something, but the moment they need something I jump to it so that maybe they will see that I am a good person and will like me. The other members of my family, except two, can careless about me.
I have worked so hard in school so I could move miles away for college and never look back. But that was taken from me a few months ago. I worked hard again in this current school and replanned my future so I can escape once again. But relying on my mother failed me. She didn't care about me enough and did not pay for my tuition. So in a few short weeks I will be kicked out of school. And now I am lost and not sure where to go from here.
I titled this post "Turning Nightmares into Dreams" for two reasons. The first was sort of to tribute Maya Angelou who is my absolutely favorite author. The title isn't the exact phrase, but it comes from her poem "In and Out of Time". As some of you may know, she died yesterday. When I found out I was dumbfounded. The other reason for this title is that I need to figure out how to turn this nightmare of a life into a dream. For the time being, I think that from this moment on I just need to focus on me. It is time to be selfish until I figure out what I am going to do, and find the money and foundation to leave this family and life behind.
Well, I think that I know what my answers are. I want someone to love me. I want someone to care and just acknowledge my existence. I never had that. For the past 20 years of my life, people have told me lies, trying to convince me that I was wrong. But at the end of the day they were talking out of their behinds and what they were saying was just a bunch of bull.
My mother was 13 years old when she was pregnant with me. There was not one person in my family who wanted to keep me alive. Now I know that they did not know me and that she was young, but this is where it all began. Some may think, "well your mother clearly didn't go through with it". But her and my father went to planned parenthood, but were scared away by religious protestors. My mother felt like she did not have a choice. I bet that you all are still making excuses for this woman. I did too, until one day when she was yelling at me about something pointless and I actually listened to what she was saying. Then I thought about what she always says when she is taking her anger out at me. Now tell me if a woman who loved her daughter would say the following. Would she remind her of how she could have "killed" me? Would she constantly point out how the younger sibling was the planned one? Would she threaten by saying "I will beat you like a bitch in the street" ( the first time she told me this I was in fourth grade and was taking too long to clean my room) ? And this isn't even half of it. She is nice sometimes. Like when report card time came around and I never had anything lower than a B+ from kindergarten through high school. Or when I was accepting a school award. When I was being filmed for 60 minutes for my internship at Yale University. When I was chosen for National Honor Society. When she needed me to do her homework when she was going for her associates degree. When I was accepted into every single college/university that I applied to, with the exception of Yale. (She talked smack about my intelligence when that letter came in the mail.) Those were the times when she was happy. The only time I remember hugging her was when I was leaving home to go back to Georgia for school after breaks; and I was the one who initiated the hug.
I should not feel weird hugging my mother. I should not expect to be called a bitch and get cursed out every time I hear my name leave her mouth. I should not have been 7 years old, riding the elevator up to our apartment hoping someone can kidnap me before I made it back to my yelling, belt-wielding mother in apartment 312; mad because I did not take out the trash. I should not have thought about all of the things that I have thought about doing to myself just to escape her or this life. But I moved on because I thought that the rest of the people in my family at least had my side. However, I was wrong. My little sister is just like my mother. They look down at me because I do not have money to look as nice as they want me to. I think differently than them and I act differently. They want me when they need help. Then talk about me to the rest of my family and their friends the part of the time. I sit in this house and let them say whatever they want. They complain when I ask them for something, but the moment they need something I jump to it so that maybe they will see that I am a good person and will like me. The other members of my family, except two, can careless about me.
I have worked so hard in school so I could move miles away for college and never look back. But that was taken from me a few months ago. I worked hard again in this current school and replanned my future so I can escape once again. But relying on my mother failed me. She didn't care about me enough and did not pay for my tuition. So in a few short weeks I will be kicked out of school. And now I am lost and not sure where to go from here.
I titled this post "Turning Nightmares into Dreams" for two reasons. The first was sort of to tribute Maya Angelou who is my absolutely favorite author. The title isn't the exact phrase, but it comes from her poem "In and Out of Time". As some of you may know, she died yesterday. When I found out I was dumbfounded. The other reason for this title is that I need to figure out how to turn this nightmare of a life into a dream. For the time being, I think that from this moment on I just need to focus on me. It is time to be selfish until I figure out what I am going to do, and find the money and foundation to leave this family and life behind.
Tuesday, April 29, 2014
May I be the 1st to Concent
I sort of have an announcement. I think I started to explain it in the post "Formation of the Ashes" (which I promise to continue on right after I finish with finals). Anyway, I decided to become celibate. I thought about it a few times in the past but never thought about actually doing it. I really got motivated to go celibate when my older sister went celibate. I look up to her a lot and I thought that going celibate was a great thing. Even though she did not last as long as she wanted to I am still proud of her for making it for as long as she did. ( I have to confess I was sort of hurt that she did not make it the whole way. But she is still a strong woman). OK back to me.
So I want to try to last a year at first, and if I make it that far then possibly another year. If I make it to that point then I want to go all the way until I complete finish school including graduate school. I have friends who have yet to have sex and I admire them so much.
Now lets get to why I want to do this. If I could turn back the hands of time to about four years ago then I would so have waited. The first person I had sex with I completely regretted for numerous reasons and I felt completely empty inside after. The guy that I intended to sleep with for the first time was great. He is the close guy friend that I mentioned in the last post. But sex with him was so great that I did not realize how bad we were for each other. Just because the sex is good does not mean you should be with that person. Soon we just began using each other for sex. This got messy because our feelings always got thrown into the mix and there were a lot of other factors involved. Four years later, I realize that I do not ever want to be with him. The problem is that when I had sex with someone that was not him, I did not like it because there was always this intense emotion that was connect to sex with him that I did not have with anyone else. I don't know...I don't really enjoy it. I have gotten to the point where I do not connect emotion to it at all and I just do it for the relief of stress or personal pleasure. However, sometimes I feel like sh*t afterwards.
Another reason is that I want to regain control over my life and develop my own sense of power. I never felt as if I had control over my life and that always bothered me. ( I will talk about this more in a later post). I feel like that it is kind of changing me for the worst. Lately I have been trying to find myself and I do not need to start changing negatively causing me to become even more lost. I want to have that power and strength and beauty. I see myself as a rare and unique breed that not everyone is deserving of. I use to be so hard on myself when I had sex with someone that was not the main guy (I hope I am not being confusing BTW because I honestly do not know how to refer to him without naming names). Sometimes I would get intense anxiety attacks or cry for hours or just try to block off all thought going on in my head. It's crazy I know, but that is why I am trying to fix it now.
When I do decided to have sex again I want it to be my choice. I want it to be with a guy that understands and that I am in love with. Not someone who's focus is just on one thing.
So, this journey is going to start May 1st! I wanted a date that I could easily remember. Also, I recently had sex with a person from school and I just wanted this to really by my choice. I did not want it to be a sudden impulsive thing. It is an certain date that is planned, that is welcomed, and that I am anticipating.
I will keep you updated (who ever you are that always view this blog). I am not sure how many people actually stop and read this stuff or are just passing through in search of a different blog. But to those who actually read this, I thank you. Like I mentioned before, I do not have many people that I feel secure enough to talk to about this. Or people that would actually care. So when I see an increase in my view count for this blog it really warms my heart. So thank you for not making me feel like I am alone
So I want to try to last a year at first, and if I make it that far then possibly another year. If I make it to that point then I want to go all the way until I complete finish school including graduate school. I have friends who have yet to have sex and I admire them so much.
Now lets get to why I want to do this. If I could turn back the hands of time to about four years ago then I would so have waited. The first person I had sex with I completely regretted for numerous reasons and I felt completely empty inside after. The guy that I intended to sleep with for the first time was great. He is the close guy friend that I mentioned in the last post. But sex with him was so great that I did not realize how bad we were for each other. Just because the sex is good does not mean you should be with that person. Soon we just began using each other for sex. This got messy because our feelings always got thrown into the mix and there were a lot of other factors involved. Four years later, I realize that I do not ever want to be with him. The problem is that when I had sex with someone that was not him, I did not like it because there was always this intense emotion that was connect to sex with him that I did not have with anyone else. I don't know...I don't really enjoy it. I have gotten to the point where I do not connect emotion to it at all and I just do it for the relief of stress or personal pleasure. However, sometimes I feel like sh*t afterwards.
Another reason is that I want to regain control over my life and develop my own sense of power. I never felt as if I had control over my life and that always bothered me. ( I will talk about this more in a later post). I feel like that it is kind of changing me for the worst. Lately I have been trying to find myself and I do not need to start changing negatively causing me to become even more lost. I want to have that power and strength and beauty. I see myself as a rare and unique breed that not everyone is deserving of. I use to be so hard on myself when I had sex with someone that was not the main guy (I hope I am not being confusing BTW because I honestly do not know how to refer to him without naming names). Sometimes I would get intense anxiety attacks or cry for hours or just try to block off all thought going on in my head. It's crazy I know, but that is why I am trying to fix it now.
When I do decided to have sex again I want it to be my choice. I want it to be with a guy that understands and that I am in love with. Not someone who's focus is just on one thing.
So, this journey is going to start May 1st! I wanted a date that I could easily remember. Also, I recently had sex with a person from school and I just wanted this to really by my choice. I did not want it to be a sudden impulsive thing. It is an certain date that is planned, that is welcomed, and that I am anticipating.
I will keep you updated (who ever you are that always view this blog). I am not sure how many people actually stop and read this stuff or are just passing through in search of a different blog. But to those who actually read this, I thank you. Like I mentioned before, I do not have many people that I feel secure enough to talk to about this. Or people that would actually care. So when I see an increase in my view count for this blog it really warms my heart. So thank you for not making me feel like I am alone
Sunday, April 27, 2014
I Need Help
If there is a future me, I wish that she could come back and tell me what to do. Tell me that everything is going to work out and be ok. That one day I will be happy and one day I wont hurt anymore. She is the only one that can help me. Because right now I cant stop crying. I can't see my future. I don't even know if I care about my future. Right now I just hurt and I feel empty. I have no one. Absolutely no one. I don't know if you know how that feels but it is the worst feeling that I could've ever imagined.
Ok I am taking a few deep breaths because I realize how suicidal this all sounds. I should have woke up for church today.
Ever since 2010 I only had three people in my life that ( I thought ) cared about me. One was a boyfriend, one was my best friend since middle school, and the other was a close friend that I met first year of high school and we messed around a lot. With him we argue a lot and I am over him. He chose other people over me so we aren't even really friends right now. We communicate but we are very distant. He has a girlfriend now, which is cool. I don't ever want him as more than a friend. But currently I have been feeling very alone and all I have wanted was to have him as a friend. but that is not really working. My bestfriend lives in Ohio. We are always busy and we never have time to talk to each other but I still love her. The ex boyfriend...we were cool up until I moved back to this state. We broke up before I went to college because I was going to be so far away. But we still talked when we could as friends. I moved back here in December and went to the school that he went to. The change was very last minute. I told him before I even got here but never got a reply.
That leads into the main reason why I'm feeling like this. I've been trying to communicate with him and he has been ignoring me. We finally talked on the phone he apologized and we caught up a little. The next day he blocked me from everything. I was hurt more than ever. He came to visit the school a week or two ago. I ran into him early in the morning in the café. Literally 3 feet away from each other. I was so hurt, sad, and mad I couldn't speak. I just shook my head and walked away. But lately I've missed his friendship. I deleted his number a while ago. So I mentioned him on twitter saying hey can we talk. He continued tweeting other people and posting tweets. Ignoring me. It jus really really hurt because he was one of m best friends. I have been hurting for a long time and he was always the one to make me feel better and now he is the one hurting me. I tried calling y bestfriend numerous times and she didn't answer. I called my other guy friend that I mentioned but he told me to stop calling bc he is with his girlfriend. and I have no one else. I have no family to talk to. my friend from my other school..i love them but I wouldn't call them for this I am very out of breath and tired and weak and hot and I do not know what else to do. I honestly think that I am going to have another anxiety attack. I just cant deal. I need help and I know that posting it here wont help. bc no one sees this anyway. but this it the only outlet that I have right now
Ok I am taking a few deep breaths because I realize how suicidal this all sounds. I should have woke up for church today.
Ever since 2010 I only had three people in my life that ( I thought ) cared about me. One was a boyfriend, one was my best friend since middle school, and the other was a close friend that I met first year of high school and we messed around a lot. With him we argue a lot and I am over him. He chose other people over me so we aren't even really friends right now. We communicate but we are very distant. He has a girlfriend now, which is cool. I don't ever want him as more than a friend. But currently I have been feeling very alone and all I have wanted was to have him as a friend. but that is not really working. My bestfriend lives in Ohio. We are always busy and we never have time to talk to each other but I still love her. The ex boyfriend...we were cool up until I moved back to this state. We broke up before I went to college because I was going to be so far away. But we still talked when we could as friends. I moved back here in December and went to the school that he went to. The change was very last minute. I told him before I even got here but never got a reply.
That leads into the main reason why I'm feeling like this. I've been trying to communicate with him and he has been ignoring me. We finally talked on the phone he apologized and we caught up a little. The next day he blocked me from everything. I was hurt more than ever. He came to visit the school a week or two ago. I ran into him early in the morning in the café. Literally 3 feet away from each other. I was so hurt, sad, and mad I couldn't speak. I just shook my head and walked away. But lately I've missed his friendship. I deleted his number a while ago. So I mentioned him on twitter saying hey can we talk. He continued tweeting other people and posting tweets. Ignoring me. It jus really really hurt because he was one of m best friends. I have been hurting for a long time and he was always the one to make me feel better and now he is the one hurting me. I tried calling y bestfriend numerous times and she didn't answer. I called my other guy friend that I mentioned but he told me to stop calling bc he is with his girlfriend. and I have no one else. I have no family to talk to. my friend from my other school..i love them but I wouldn't call them for this I am very out of breath and tired and weak and hot and I do not know what else to do. I honestly think that I am going to have another anxiety attack. I just cant deal. I need help and I know that posting it here wont help. bc no one sees this anyway. but this it the only outlet that I have right now
Sunday, April 6, 2014
Formation of the Ashes
A major part of my secret life deals with my intimate and sexual personal life. There are a few things that makes this such a big secret and big deal for me. From the people who know, the people I have had sex with, and why I have had sex with them. Even what happens when I am done having sex with certain people.
It's crazy because I just started writing and already I am starting to feel uneasy about this post. My heart is beating uncontrollably and tears are building up in my eyes. I have this desire to call someone right now just to get my mind off of this subject. But it is something that I want and need to do. I need to get this out. And this blog (even though no one views this) is my outlet.
I started having sex the summer of 2010 during which I was still in high school. I never told anyone in my family, except for my cousin who was the same age me. I never told my family for a few reasons. One was because my mother and I were not close what so ever. We were too close in age and argued more than the average. Many harsh words would launch from her mouth at the smallest problems. As I would stand there and take it her words stabbed me like daggers every time. Over time the relationship faded and I distanced myself from her. She was not a person that I trusted with my information and not someone that I felt comfortable around. Another reason why I did not go to my family was because every single woman from my grandmother down has had a child before they turn 19 years old. I was seen as the "golden child" of the family. I had amazing grades, I was quiet, respectful, kind to everyone, took classes and interned at Yale. They constantly placed me on a pedestal. I am so worried about protecting other people and their emotions that I could not bring myself to tell them about it. Even until this day they all think that I am a virgin, I still do not have the courage to tell them otherwise. Especially because too many questions will cause them to dig deep into this secret life.
Let me take you a little further into this summer. You know how people say if you keep knocking then someone is bound to answer? Well, I kept knocking on the door of the devil and that summer he answered and I almost walked inside. Now I have told a couple people about this summer once I moved away to college. But there were certain things that I lied about because I was ashamed. But this is the complete truth.
Let me start off at the beginning. Once it started to get warm, I would sneak to my friend's house. Me and him were always very close. We knew all about each other. Actually we have been really close up until about a month ago when I had to cut him off completely. But that is something for another post. But he knew that I was a virgin so when I would go to his house we would not have penetrative sex ( I guess you can call it). He was not a virgin by any means. I appreciate that he would not try to take advantage of me or do anything that I did not want to do. We would have oral sex he would perform on me. I don't remember if I did it to him at this time and I don't want to lie. There was a lot of touching, feeling, and groping going on. The one problem was that he was two years older than me, graduating and had a girlfriend. Both him and the girlfriend went to my high school.
Now it was the middle of June and it was the day of his senior trip. I planned on losing my virginity to him. He said that he wasn't going on his trip so at the end of the day we would just go to his house if I was sure. Me and him talked to each other and flirted but yet I think that my feelings were stronger. I was sitting downstairs ready, excited, and nervous. Then I looked out of the window as I waited and saw him get on the bus with his girlfriend hand in hand. I was so hurt. I think that I just wanted attention.
I knew that there was this one guy from school who liked me. I hung out with him once before and it seemed ok even though he tried to have sex but I turned him down. I was so desperate for attention that I texted him asked if I could come over and the next thing you know I was on the city bus to his house. This is the hard part because to be honest I do not know what to call what happened next. I went over there and he had two friends downstairs. We walked passed them and went upstairs (Sign
#1). We were sitting upstairs and just talking. Everything was fine. But something was screaming at me to go home, to just get up and make an excuse to leave. But I sat there. Then he laid down and continued talking. I thought, that there was no harm in laying down so I went to do so. Then he said in order to lay down I have to take my pants off (Sign #2). You would think that I would have said no. But in the back of my mind I thought that there could be nothing wrong with this. He dated a couple of my friends and I never heard anything bad about him. He was the star basketball player and everyone loved him. So do you know what I did? I took my pants off and I laid there. It was ok for a second, everything was calm. But then he flipped over on me and started grabbing at my clothes. He attempted to kiss me but it just felt like a dead skull being rubbed against my face. I pushed him away and he stopped. But words did not come out of my mouth. He went back on me but I moved away. I thought he got the hint because he got up and walked to the other side of the room. I sat there and rubbed my face. What the fuck was I doing? But I did not move. I did not grab my pants. I did not try to leave. Everything was happening too fast and I did not know what to do. But then I watched him lock the door (Sign #3). I looked over for my stuff. Time for that excuse to leave. In my mind I had all of my stuff in my hand but I can't remember for the life of me how my body failed to move. Then he walked over to the bed with an animal like pace and got back on me. I turned my head and told him to "wait" I felt his face crush my mouth and I told him to "chill". It was too late because I could not move from under him and I gave up the fight. I let my eyes glaze over and tried really hard not to scream because that would only verify what was happening. After I while he got up and asked for a condom. I did not move for a long while, I just laid there fighting back every emotion. I think that moment was when I learned to hold my emotions in. Then he left the room. I think to ask his friends for one. But I grabbed my stuff and ran to the bathroom. He came knocking at the door and asked if I was alright and he will be in his room. I could not look in the mirror. I just put my clothes on and ran outside to catch the bus. I rode the two hour bus ride completely dead on the inside. I had absolutely no thoughts, no words, no emotions. I did not go back to school after that day because finals were over and I did not need to. The boy also transferred schools that summer.
To this day I do not know what to call what happened. The few people that I told of the situation, I said that I was raped. Only because that is exactly what it felt like. But thinking back I don't know what it was.
I did not want to remember that as my first time. So a couple weeks after I had sex with my friend who had the girlfriend. A few days after he asked about my virginity and I told him what happened. He thought I lied about it and that I was a hoe. He did not believe me and he did not talk to me for days. The person that I am now would have left him alone right then. But I literally had no one. And he was the closest to something. So I tried my best to please him. I think that he knew that as well. He would talk to me when he felt like it and I would accept that. I would travel just to go to his house and have sex with him. We did not use protection and soon after I got pregnant. I never took a test but my period was late by two months. I told him and he denied it, told me to "kill it". And said that he refused to talk to me until I got an abortion. At that point I thought that I could do it on my own. So I had a plan to run away and fend for myself like on the Gilmore Girls. It was going to be me and my baby. I thought at least now I have someone who could love me. But do not get me wrong I was panicking and crying every night until I determined that I was pregnant. I looked up was to self abort but I was not going to do that. I went to an amusement park for a friend's birthday. I got on rides. And I felt the worse pain I have ever felt in my entire life. The bleeding was much more than an average period. As I sat in the bathroom I knew. I had my father pick me up and bring me home. I showered, went to my bed and stayed there.
Besides the one "friend" no one knew. I felt empty and depressed. I wanted to die and I thought that I was ready. I tried to drown myself and it didn't work, I tried to suffocate myself, and it didn't work and I started to talk to the wrong group of people. I started to talk to local guys online some were even in there late twenties. I had video chats with them, sent pictures of certain things to one, sexted. I did not care about the consequences. I was still sneaking to have sex with my "friend". I planned on meeting up with one of the guys. But my mom stopped me and we had this argument about how I was acting. I lost myself and I stayed lost for years. I started to change when I found a boyfriend and was able to focus. But once he cheated I learned that I still had no one and I could not trust anyone.
I realize that this post is already extremely long. I did not even get into my main point. I am going to post this and continue with an additional post at a later date.
It's crazy because I just started writing and already I am starting to feel uneasy about this post. My heart is beating uncontrollably and tears are building up in my eyes. I have this desire to call someone right now just to get my mind off of this subject. But it is something that I want and need to do. I need to get this out. And this blog (even though no one views this) is my outlet.
I started having sex the summer of 2010 during which I was still in high school. I never told anyone in my family, except for my cousin who was the same age me. I never told my family for a few reasons. One was because my mother and I were not close what so ever. We were too close in age and argued more than the average. Many harsh words would launch from her mouth at the smallest problems. As I would stand there and take it her words stabbed me like daggers every time. Over time the relationship faded and I distanced myself from her. She was not a person that I trusted with my information and not someone that I felt comfortable around. Another reason why I did not go to my family was because every single woman from my grandmother down has had a child before they turn 19 years old. I was seen as the "golden child" of the family. I had amazing grades, I was quiet, respectful, kind to everyone, took classes and interned at Yale. They constantly placed me on a pedestal. I am so worried about protecting other people and their emotions that I could not bring myself to tell them about it. Even until this day they all think that I am a virgin, I still do not have the courage to tell them otherwise. Especially because too many questions will cause them to dig deep into this secret life.
Let me take you a little further into this summer. You know how people say if you keep knocking then someone is bound to answer? Well, I kept knocking on the door of the devil and that summer he answered and I almost walked inside. Now I have told a couple people about this summer once I moved away to college. But there were certain things that I lied about because I was ashamed. But this is the complete truth.
Let me start off at the beginning. Once it started to get warm, I would sneak to my friend's house. Me and him were always very close. We knew all about each other. Actually we have been really close up until about a month ago when I had to cut him off completely. But that is something for another post. But he knew that I was a virgin so when I would go to his house we would not have penetrative sex ( I guess you can call it). He was not a virgin by any means. I appreciate that he would not try to take advantage of me or do anything that I did not want to do. We would have oral sex he would perform on me. I don't remember if I did it to him at this time and I don't want to lie. There was a lot of touching, feeling, and groping going on. The one problem was that he was two years older than me, graduating and had a girlfriend. Both him and the girlfriend went to my high school.
Now it was the middle of June and it was the day of his senior trip. I planned on losing my virginity to him. He said that he wasn't going on his trip so at the end of the day we would just go to his house if I was sure. Me and him talked to each other and flirted but yet I think that my feelings were stronger. I was sitting downstairs ready, excited, and nervous. Then I looked out of the window as I waited and saw him get on the bus with his girlfriend hand in hand. I was so hurt. I think that I just wanted attention.
I knew that there was this one guy from school who liked me. I hung out with him once before and it seemed ok even though he tried to have sex but I turned him down. I was so desperate for attention that I texted him asked if I could come over and the next thing you know I was on the city bus to his house. This is the hard part because to be honest I do not know what to call what happened next. I went over there and he had two friends downstairs. We walked passed them and went upstairs (Sign
#1). We were sitting upstairs and just talking. Everything was fine. But something was screaming at me to go home, to just get up and make an excuse to leave. But I sat there. Then he laid down and continued talking. I thought, that there was no harm in laying down so I went to do so. Then he said in order to lay down I have to take my pants off (Sign #2). You would think that I would have said no. But in the back of my mind I thought that there could be nothing wrong with this. He dated a couple of my friends and I never heard anything bad about him. He was the star basketball player and everyone loved him. So do you know what I did? I took my pants off and I laid there. It was ok for a second, everything was calm. But then he flipped over on me and started grabbing at my clothes. He attempted to kiss me but it just felt like a dead skull being rubbed against my face. I pushed him away and he stopped. But words did not come out of my mouth. He went back on me but I moved away. I thought he got the hint because he got up and walked to the other side of the room. I sat there and rubbed my face. What the fuck was I doing? But I did not move. I did not grab my pants. I did not try to leave. Everything was happening too fast and I did not know what to do. But then I watched him lock the door (Sign #3). I looked over for my stuff. Time for that excuse to leave. In my mind I had all of my stuff in my hand but I can't remember for the life of me how my body failed to move. Then he walked over to the bed with an animal like pace and got back on me. I turned my head and told him to "wait" I felt his face crush my mouth and I told him to "chill". It was too late because I could not move from under him and I gave up the fight. I let my eyes glaze over and tried really hard not to scream because that would only verify what was happening. After I while he got up and asked for a condom. I did not move for a long while, I just laid there fighting back every emotion. I think that moment was when I learned to hold my emotions in. Then he left the room. I think to ask his friends for one. But I grabbed my stuff and ran to the bathroom. He came knocking at the door and asked if I was alright and he will be in his room. I could not look in the mirror. I just put my clothes on and ran outside to catch the bus. I rode the two hour bus ride completely dead on the inside. I had absolutely no thoughts, no words, no emotions. I did not go back to school after that day because finals were over and I did not need to. The boy also transferred schools that summer.
To this day I do not know what to call what happened. The few people that I told of the situation, I said that I was raped. Only because that is exactly what it felt like. But thinking back I don't know what it was.
I did not want to remember that as my first time. So a couple weeks after I had sex with my friend who had the girlfriend. A few days after he asked about my virginity and I told him what happened. He thought I lied about it and that I was a hoe. He did not believe me and he did not talk to me for days. The person that I am now would have left him alone right then. But I literally had no one. And he was the closest to something. So I tried my best to please him. I think that he knew that as well. He would talk to me when he felt like it and I would accept that. I would travel just to go to his house and have sex with him. We did not use protection and soon after I got pregnant. I never took a test but my period was late by two months. I told him and he denied it, told me to "kill it". And said that he refused to talk to me until I got an abortion. At that point I thought that I could do it on my own. So I had a plan to run away and fend for myself like on the Gilmore Girls. It was going to be me and my baby. I thought at least now I have someone who could love me. But do not get me wrong I was panicking and crying every night until I determined that I was pregnant. I looked up was to self abort but I was not going to do that. I went to an amusement park for a friend's birthday. I got on rides. And I felt the worse pain I have ever felt in my entire life. The bleeding was much more than an average period. As I sat in the bathroom I knew. I had my father pick me up and bring me home. I showered, went to my bed and stayed there.
Besides the one "friend" no one knew. I felt empty and depressed. I wanted to die and I thought that I was ready. I tried to drown myself and it didn't work, I tried to suffocate myself, and it didn't work and I started to talk to the wrong group of people. I started to talk to local guys online some were even in there late twenties. I had video chats with them, sent pictures of certain things to one, sexted. I did not care about the consequences. I was still sneaking to have sex with my "friend". I planned on meeting up with one of the guys. But my mom stopped me and we had this argument about how I was acting. I lost myself and I stayed lost for years. I started to change when I found a boyfriend and was able to focus. But once he cheated I learned that I still had no one and I could not trust anyone.
I realize that this post is already extremely long. I did not even get into my main point. I am going to post this and continue with an additional post at a later date.
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