Weekend Vlog #1 | All of My Tattoos | Room Tour

Oh How I Have Grown

I don't have many readers of this blog. After so much time I doubt anyone would even stumble upon this. But I'm glad that it is here. I get to look back at these posts and see just how far I have come.

I remember that person who wrote all of those sad and depressing posts ( no wonder I barely had readers lol). It's cool because I know that if I was in your shoes I wouldn't want to read all of that negativity either!

But to know that I got to a place I didn't think that I would be able to is amazing! I am not depressed any more, I'm not sad, I'm not angry. I'm just me! And I am happy with me. I am so proud and amazed at the woman I am developing into.

I have an awesome relationship with a person that makes me love in ways that I didn't think possible. I have those few close and great friends. None of them are really new but still strong! The girl I called my sister from Spelman, the one that wrote me the letter, I haven't spoken to her in over a year...she doesn't pick up my calls or respond to my texts lol fuck it. I probable drove her away with all my baggage from way back when. But she seems happy on social media so good for her. She was a person that I needed at the time and that is all. And I'm pretty much ok with that.

My family has gotten "better". I have 3 sisters that I love and adore and I would protect no matter what. They help keep me on my toes for sure. Same goes for the little girl that I have been mentoring for 3 years now. She is basically another one of my sisters. But I see her more often and watching her grow and change and become her own little person is so surreal.

I'm going back to my original college to finish my degree and I'm super excited!!!

Things are looking up and I can't wait to write more about this great life that I'm still discovering.

It's Been A Long Time

It has been quite a while since I posted anything on here. I honestly don't know where to start because so much has changed with me. I have had quite a few amazing revelations. Then of course there are still certain things that get me down. I honestly feel like it is this house that I live in.

Remember WAY back in my posts from when I was attending Spelman and I stated how moving back home is going to be my down fall. I think even then I knew how my family was; which I why I decided to move all the way to Georgia in the first place. It's really difficult living with parents that never wanted you and on occasion find subtle ways on reminding you about that. Then also a sibling that couldn't care less about you. So yeah, I still get the panic and anxiety attacks and certain reoccurring thoughts but I have not acted on them and I've made it through. I don't make enough to be on my own right now even though I have two jobs. But that is another story.

One thing that has really helped me get through the time I spent back home is writing and reading. I read anything that would transport me into some fantasy or alternate world. Anything that can captivate my mind within the first two pages I would pretty much read. I write anything from poems, letters, short stories, thoughts, goals, anything.

I think that it is really amazing how much I have grown and learned about myself in the past couple years. I love helping and taking care of other people, so I mentor and tutor 16 hours out of the week (anything to stay out of this house). It is great! Even though I do all that I still don't have many friends out here. Most of the time I am fine with that, I just read or something. I have met many guy friends but in the end their intentions were always something that did not interest me (except for one or two). Plus I always text or video chat with my friends from my original school.

But there is an actual topic I wanted to talk about, It ties in with the title of my blog. I was searching my room for something and found this envelope that was labeled "A Reason to Smile". It contained a letter from a friend of mine from Spelman that I once before considered to be like my older sister. It was the sweetest letter anyone has ever given me. She gave it to me when I was really stressed out when I was struggling to figure out if it would be best for me to stay or to go. She emailed it to me, but I forgot that I printed it out and saved it because I was so afraid that I would lose or delete the email. In the letter she wrote:

"Think about being lost in the woods. You're isolated from all people, all things that may potentially hurt you physically, emotionally, and maybe even spiritually. Being lost implies that one is searching, looking for answers. Luckily, when you know you're lost, there is room to find yourself. Don't be afraid of being lost; embrace it. Don't stay there, but give yourself the time to explore.[...] give yourself time to figure out how the pieces of your life fit together now that they don't quite look the same. Diamonds are birthed from pressure. The most beautiful things, the most beautiful are those that rise from the ashes".

Every time I was down since moving back here I would just keep repeating that last part. Not too long ago it started to get really bad again and it seemed to easy to give up. I wasn't even afraid of where I would go or what would happen to those around me anymore. Weird enough me not being afraid is what made me a little afraid. So I got that tattooed on me. I got "The most beautiful things are those that rise from the ashes". Before that I got a phoenix (it looks better than it sounds and "Still I rise;" above it on my ribs. It was a combination of her quote and of Maya Angelou who passed away. She was my all time favorite writer and greatly inspired me. It is a little reminder that I will keep finding ways to be happy.

Even though I don't talk to this friend anymore she has made a great impact on my life and I am forever thankful. When I am down or stressed or in a dark place I think back to my tattoos. I remember that when I got them I was happy and I had a reason to love and appreciate my being and life. So even if no one else on this planet cares what happens to me, I know that the beautiful, happy, and shiny part of me does care and that is all that ever matters.

Who Doesn't Hate Their Job?

I am doing better guys. I sincerely am. I decided that once the summer semester starts I will go back to counselling. This way I have a little more to look forward to. I am currently in the middle of finals and I am just a tad bit more stressed than usual. I am more concerned with coming out of by anatomy class with a B. Especially since I am taking this crazy class for the second time now. But I just need to finish this research paper first. I don't speak to many of my friends lately, mainly because most of us just have been busy. I actually wanted to fly out to see a few of them, but that's not really possible so hopefully I can figure something out for the summer.

I am currently friends with my ex boyfriend again. I might go into details of that at a later time, but at least now I can look forward to this new found friendship. But I don't think that I want us to be together again.

There is not type of organization to this post. I am just writing to write! So forgive me.

I have a new job as a waitress. Tips are good, I make more money on tips from a few days than I did in an entire week at my other job. Yet it is a lot of work, and extremely tiring. I'm not sure if I can do this for two more years. I think the idea of doing anything for that long is frightening to me. So I try to focus on short term goals.

If everything goes as planned as far as school goes I will be done with this school August 2017. Which is annoying because I could of had my bachelors May 2016. But have to play the hand life gives you. Once I graduate and make money to save up I am moving to Atlanta. I don't even care that most of my friends most likely wont live there anymore. I just really love that city.

I really want to graduate or start the nursing program. At least I can start working where I want to work. So maybe come the start of 2016 I will have a new job somewhere I like. Then can move out in my own apartment or something. I just started but honestly I want a new job. I just can't deal. I miss the days when all I had to worry about was being in college. Man I tell you, if I had a time machine I know EXACTLY where I would go and what I would do. I just really miss being around my friends.

So Strong Yet So Weak

I have been doing better. But for some reason on certain nights I become weaker. I keep crying out in pain because I am fighting, the Lord knows that I am fighting, to stay alive. But I don't think that anyone understands how much pain I am in. I keep thinking about the relief I am going to feel if this was to happen. I don't look both ways when crossing the street. I don't flinch when someone yells out. I don't look over my shoulder when switching lanes. I wait for the bump in the middle of the night to get closer instead of hiding under my blanket.
But this has been going on for a very long time now. So what's the hold up? I think of the idea of being sent to hell for killing myself. I think of my little sisters who have always had an older sister and I don't want them to live without one. I think of the VERY FEW friends that I have that might miss me when I am gone. I think of how much better things will be when I move away. Every single day without fail I think of this amazing life I have with my husband and daughter. I think of the possible excitement that I will miss out on.
But honestly, sometimes I have thoughts about how much my sister and I don't get along. How my father finds every excuse possible to not see me thus not seeing my baby sister. How out of those VERY FEW friends only one is actually my friend and not just a pitty friend. How there is a possibility that there isn't anyone out there capable of loving me. How since people found ways to justify gay relationships and how they aren't going to hell, then maybe people who aren't suppose to be here and decide to remove themselves can make it to Heaven.
I am afraid of myself. Now more than ever I am absolutely terrified of who I am. I am scared that I wont be able to pull myself out of that black hole that I desperately try to stay out of. That the cut will be a little too deep and the rush of blood will be so relaxing that I just want to absorb that calming feeling for a little while.
But I am strong. I know that. I wouldn't do that because for some reason love seems to be my power. Though I don't completely love myself I love those around me way too much to hurt them in such a selfish way. But this fight is hard.

Good Vibes

I know that quite a few of my posts seem depressing. But I don't want people to think that I am always a depressing person. I just tend to write up here when I am having strong emotions. Lately the strongest emotion has been sadness. But this past weekend was amazing. It also gave me new found hope for the future, and more determination than ever to push through and finish school.

This past week was home coming week for my previous school. I really have been missing my friends. The only thing is most of my friends are still at the school, my older sister lives in Oklahoma and a couple of my other friends graduated. Therefore, homecoming would be a perfect way to see them all at once since I can't afford to fly out everywhere.

I hung out with my close friends all weekend. We made so many drinks and went out to parties and what not. Mind you, I haven't seen them since March so I could not stop smiling the whole time. I got to double dutch with an alumna lol, I posted tons of pictures and videos on my social networking accounts...but I guess unless you know who I am you wont be able to see them.

But I'm not going to tell you in great detail everything that happened the entire weekend because that would just take too long. But I will tell you the best and most anticipated part of my weekend. That would be FINALLY seeing my sister. Now it has been 7 whole months since I last scene her ( which is the longest we have been apart since we got close). My plane came in too late for me to see her on Thursday, Friday she was hanging out with her other friends, leaving Saturday.

Saturday was tailgate and there were thousands of people. There were so many people that my phone absolutely sucked and I barely had any service. So I figured that I would bump into her as I walked around with my friends. We are few hours into tailgate and I am drunk; not sloppy drunk but drunk enough. I went to get something to eat and as I walked back to my friends I finally saw her standing there talking to them. I ran over as fast as my little intoxicated legs could and bear hugged her. I was so excited to see her. But I can't completely remember what was said. But I do remember starring at her trying to etch what she looked like into my brain because I really didn't want to forget. But the moment was really brief because she had to run somewhere and I wanted to sit and eat.

I was very content. As it started to get later my friends and I were planning on leaving and going somewhere else. But then I was like, oh snap...I don't remember seeing ****. I was starting to sober up but not fully. So I was telling my friends how I need to find her and they agreed to help look for her really fast. But there were so many people  and before I could take two steps to look for her I started crying (lol). My friends were like, oh shit, this girl doesn't cry in public; we really need to find her.

So we are searching and searching and I start to loose hope. But then I heard someone say "look who it is". Sure enough they found my sister! I don't remember if I ran up to her or not. But all I know is I was hugging her and she was really there. I did not want to let go because this time I was determined to remember this moment. My friends took tons of pictures of this long hug. We talked for a bit, but eventually we had to go our separate ways.

But that was one of my favorite and happiest highlights from this past weekend.

I Need to Let Go

For those of you that always read this blog (but tend not to comment lol) you probably know by now who the three people that were very close to me are. One of them is my ex-boyfriend. Moving back to Connecticut and revisiting my old life I tried to think of how it was that I stayed happy and sane before I moved away. I realized that it was because of my boyfriend at the time. I put so much energy, thought, and love into that relationship that it was easy to forget about all of the bullshit.

We both agreed that when we moved away to college that we would no longer be together and that we would always be friends and always be close with each other. First year of college we would text or call each other every other week because the work load took time away from our free time. October came around and he wanted me to fly up for his homecoming. My mom flew me up but not for that purpose. I was only there for two days and my mom already had me running around talking to my whole family about the amazing Spelman College. I tried so hard to find a way to his school even if it was just to see him but my family wasn't having it. He was very upset which I could understand. But because of his anger he went and had sex with another girl. 

Now, even though I loved him so much, throughout our relationship I did have my reservations with him because he cheated on me a couple times and I did not trust him. It was my idea to break up for school because I knew that if I could not trust him while we were in the same town I would drive myself crazy while we were in different parts of the country. So when he told me that he slept with her out of anger I began to shut him off. We talked a couple times a month. I was so mad that I couldn't even have full conversations with him. I went home for some breaks and I would run into mutual friends. They would tell me to call him, to please call him, because he was a wreck. I was too mad. But I did and he would simply state that he missed me apologize and what not. 

When school was out that summer we hung out quite a few times. We went on dates. We even had sex again. Then school started again and we were back to once a month texting. That winter I found out that I would be transferring back home and to his school nonetheless. I texted him to tell him and there was no reply for a few weeks. Then I got confused about some buildings when I got there and texted him to ask him and their was still no reply. So naturally I got upset and started texting and calling him trying to figure out what was wrong. Finally we got in contact. He said that he has been ignoring me because he just thinks that it is all too much and strange for him. I was upset started crying and he began to feel bad. So he tried to talk to me. He asked about why I changed, how things were and everything. At this point I knew that he recently had a new girlfriend but he is not someone that I want to be in a relationship with. Just to be friends because more than anything he was my friend more than he was my boyfriend. 

I kid you not. Two days went by and he started to ignore me again so I was just like fuck it. Sent him a happy birthday text and he said thanks but I did not receive one a month later. Soon I realized that he blocked me from every social networking site and wouldn't return my calls. So at this point I was really alone and took a trip to GA to see my friends. 

I have not felt hurt like this in a while. It is mainly because I never thought that he, out of all people, would turn his back on me. This is the first time that I understood how easily love could turn into absolute hate. I have cried so many times in 2014 and for so many reasons. But for some reason this has been the most devastating and painful cause. I really am working on improving myself and finding out who I am. This blog has really helped me express all of this. So to my ex-boyfriend, who will remain nameless, I am letting you go.