I am going back to my home state for what seems like a very
longtime. I am transferring schools because of the lack of a certain major at
my original school. I have a mixture of feelings in regards to this change. I
am happy and excited because after I graduate from this school I should have a
profession and make a decent amount of money. Also, I know longer have the
stress and pressure of becoming a doctor. I might also be able to study a
little more because I will not have anyone to annoy. I will not have people to
talk to, confide in, people to hang out with and stay up late talking crazy
with and dancing to ratchet music. I will not have anyone around to hold my
attention and help me appreciate the little things. It is not because it’s a
new school, because I don’t have friends at this school. It's not that I am not
willing to make new friends. It is because I know everyone at this school
already. They are the same people from high school. The same people who hated
me. People that would talk about my hair, clothes, my social life. People that
will judge me and laugh at me before asking what was wrong or even how I was
feeling. These people have caused an undesirable feeling to reside within me,
that tends to take control every time I step foot in this state. This is where
the negative feelings come into play. I am leaving behind the first real
friends I ever had. The first group of people who actually loved me from the
beginning and whole heartedly cared about me. I feel safe and at home when I am
around these friends. Now I am leaving. I know that we were going to have to
separate eventually because as everyone graduates and move on and away to
different parts of the country or whatever the case may be. But it was not supposed
to happen this soon. I was not supposed to leave right now. I knew that it I
would leave soon. But I thought that I would have another semester to find a
different school that was not in this state. If I left at the end of the school
year then I would be more prepared for the change and I would have a plan. The
worst part about it is that I left for the holiday break holding onto the
possibility that I would be returning in three weeks. Not even a week into the
vacation that hope was shot with the delivery of that package.
Now I am partially at fault. I tend to let my emotions take
the lead. I get mad, upset, and overwhelmed so easily then I try to find a way
to run away from that feeling. I also have a bad habit of calling my mother
when things are bad. Just because I expect some type of advice or positive
encouragement. Even though that is not what I always receive I still continue
to call. Sometimes I attach on to the negative emotions that were sometimes
healed by the wrong things said and ran with it. That’s how this application
got sent in. When I realized that I had made a mistake it was too late. I am
also upset because made family just wanted me back up state which is
understandable because they are family but at the same time it is extremely
selfish. So when I was swimming in this pool of negativity they decided to use
that against me to get what they want rather than think of the best solution
for the situation. I could major in something else and still become a nurse
which I had to figure out on my own. Meaning I could have stayed at this
school. But it is too late because I already withdrew.
I have been able to
put up a front for about 95% of the people that know me. I have secrets that
have a lot to do with this state and certain people. These secrets have
controlled my life for quite some time. I was never able to exhale or sleep
comfortably, my mind was never at rest. Going away to college helped me release
a new part of me. A part of me that I never knew existed. The negative part of
me was still present however it was beginning to help me grow stronger. I was
actually happy and I was not alone on this new journey. I developed a family
that understood me and was there for me. Even though I had some friends that
were there for me more than others, they were all there. Back in my state no one understands me the way
that the friends at school do; not even my actual family. It is annoying
because I am being sent back to this place. It is crazy because I watched this
show that described this place perfectly. It is a place where people try to
convince you that you are not alone and that you have something to live for. It
is also a place where people let you down, people hurt you, and people lie.
They do not see any harm in this and they do not understand because “they don’t
live on the dark side of the moon”. But the one thing that I have carried with
my from both parts of the moon were my eyes. Extremely sad eyes that I cannot
hide no matter how strong I become. Once again, I am at fault. I have to make
the decision to be happy. I have to find a way to be happy. I am determined to
find this happiness. I found it within a lot of my friends. But now I need to
find it within myself. The journey for this may be long but I am willing to
fight for it. Because I kept getting glimpses of that happiness and from where
I am standing it is the best thing in the world. Even if I hate this school a
dread being there for the next 2-3 years, even if I resent certain family
members, even if I end up going months or years without seeing my friends I
know everything will be ok because I am going to be happy somehow.
